


Someday, I Won't Have to Wait for You

by KamilleMarie123



Series: Her [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BAU Team - Freeform, Explicit Sex, F/F, Heartache, Jemily but towards the end, OC-Alex - Freeform, Smut, after Paris
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-27 14:25:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13882770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KamilleMarie123/pseuds/KamilleMarie123
Summary: **Formally known as 'Her'**What happens in Paris, should stay in Paris. But, can these two women successfully forget their shared night and move on, or will their hearts and feelings for each other make them collide again? Because if you can't stop thinking about HER, even after moving to another country or getting married, don't you think she's worth trying for?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Huge shoutout to Tezera (beatrix.acs) for listening to me complain and talk about my issues/concerns/ideas for this story.  
> And to Cici, (cici-nicole14 on tumblr) for being the most amazing beta ever and not complaining about how long this chapter is!  
> Anyway, hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you guys think!

This chapter was inspired by the song "Waterfall" by Caroline Glaser

 

JJ opened her eyes, blinking a few times as she adjusted to her surroundings. The plane had hit an air pocket, making it bump and jolt her awake. Not that she was actually asleep, but in more of a daze with her eyes shut, _attempting_ to sleep. Usually, she’s great at sleeping on flights, but that’s also usually after a particularly exhausting case. And it’s also when the whole team is with her so there are people surrounding her, making her feel comfortable. She wasn’t uncomfortable with Emily sitting across from her, but her body was more focused on how close Emily was and how alone they were rather than allowing her to sleep. So, she opened her eyes fully and stretched her arms, yawning, then tried to reposition herself without much effect. There was no way she was going to get comfortable on this couch.

What she really wanted to do was crawl across the uncomfortable seat and curl into Emily’s warm, inviting side. She wanted the older woman to wrap her arm around her torso or to place her head in the brunette’s lap and have Emily run her long fingers through her hair. But with the wounds the brunette was still healing, she knew she should just stay on her side of the couch, especially when she doesn’t know what or how Emily feels for her. So instead of moving over to the other woman, so brought her hand to her mouth and began biting at her nails, staring at the ground with a blank expression on her face.

It took JJ a second to realize that Emily was watching her during this process, smiling slightly when their eyes met. Both of them were looking worse for wear, but Emily was obviously more haggard than JJ, considering she had been stabbed and left to bleed to death a few weeks ago. There were dark circles under eyes and she felt horrible as the realization of where she was headed and why was slowly dawning on her. But she was sitting across from the gorgeous blue-eyed woman and even with how tired she was from everything, her heart still pounded slightly faster when they made eye contact.  

Somehow, even after everything that happened, she felt at ease. It was as if the universe had finally decided to give her a break for once or leave her alone entirely because from the moment she sat down on the plane and looked into JJ’s eyes, a calm feeling washed over her. Yes, she looked awful. Yes, every part of her body dully ached. And yes, she realized she was, in fact, lucky to be alive. But, watching the tired younger woman smile at her while they chatted made a shiver shoot up her spine, and that made her feel more alive than ever before.

She felt bolder, more confident about everything when she was around the blonde like she could actually take over the world if she so chose too. Or, maybe, just take over the younger woman’s heart, although that thought scared her more than having to face Doyle again. However, this new found bravery could also be because while getting on the plane, JJ had mentioned that she and Will were no longer seeing each other. This meant that the days of JJ flying to and from New Orleans were in the past. And, for whatever reason, this tidbit of information had sent Emily’s sore and black heart soring. Maybe it was because she felt she had a chance now, and that got the tired muscle glowing again, even though they were currently flying to another country so she could hide out and pretend to be dead until they found a way for her to safely come back. _If_ they ever find a way at all.

However, that didn’t stop Emily from intensely looking at the woman in front of her now. Which, she had a right to, considering three weeks ago she did, of course, _almost die._ So the fact she was being upfront with herself about her feelings for JJ didn’t surprise her at all. Facing the dark nothingness could really change your mindset on things, and shutting yourself out of love because you fear that your feelings won’t be reciprocated is one of those things she just didn’t have time for anymore. Enjoying the calming silence between them, she did have time for, and rather preferred it on some level because then she could just relax, but forcing herself to ignore what was going on in her head and heart was no longer part of her priorities.

For the past two hours she has been trying her best to open her mouth and start a conversation with JJ about these “uncovered” feelings, but the one time she actually did open her mouth and speak, she happened to be rubbing the brand on her chest, grimacing at the pain the scar caused. “The first thing I’m doing when I get to Paris is having this removed.”

Her own words had startled her, and they made JJ look at her with concern filled in those deep blue eyes.

Now that she brought the topic up, she couldn’t just change it or leave the sentence there, it opened too many doors for JJ to walk through. So she filled in her own question to direct the conversation in a journey she felt a little more comfortable and in control of. “How can a brand hurt more than getting staked?”

The blonde looked at the hand that Emily was using to rub the scar, frowning sympathetically. She shrugged slightly, eyebrows raising for a second. “Maybe it’s a psychosomatic itch you’re scratching?” When the older woman gave her a blank stare, JJ continued on with her explanation. “The brand left an emotional toll. Doyle establishes dominance over you by marking you as his. With the stake you overcame death. The ultimate victory over your foe…?” She shrugged again, looking at Emily in the eye rather than on the floor as she explained herself. But now their eyes locked and suddenly JJ felt a little shy as if she overstepped her boundaries with the way the brunette was looking at her so blankly. So she lowered her voice to an almost worrisome level and continued on. “Why suffer a pain you’re proud of?”

The two women sat in silence again as Emily took in what the younger woman had said. The blonde could see the gears turning in her mind as she slowly understood what JJ was saying, and how plausible it could actually be. But, she didn’t know how to respond to the intelligent, in-depth statement the smaller woman had made, so she just chose to look away until something else was said.

JJ noticed the hesitation coming from the other party on the couch, so she filled the void before it got too awkward from silence. “Or you could always get another tattoo.”

“Oh,” Emily laughed slightly, nodding her head as she considered the idea.

“You know, something transformative. Like a phoenix… or a blackbird.” She used her hands to make it seem more magical, knowing full well the weariness Emily had about everything revolving the now permanent scar.

“I love the song.” Emily nodded again. And it was true, she did have a fond memory associated with the Beatles song. One that she never cared to share, but always kept close to her heart.

But JJ mentioning the bird clicked something into place in her mind. Suddenly she noticed how detailed that explanation the blonde gave actually was. Something was different about the younger woman, and she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Her mind worked quickly, taking in the details of where they were, where they were headed, and how fast it was all put together. Almost as if JJ had some new friends in high places, higher than anyone Emily would know.

She squinted her eyes at the blonde, tilting her head as she carefully spoke her mind. “Something tells me I shouldn’t tread in your waters.” Now it was JJ’s turn to stare blankly. “Come on JJ, something’s obviously different about you. You commandeered an Interpol jet. You’re profiling me. Why didn’t you say your transfer was a backstop?”

In a matter of seconds, a handful of emotions and thoughts flashed over JJ’s face. From confusion to hurt to anger and then to fear, she didn’t know which one to settle on. All she knew was that she couldn’t look at Emily anymore, she suddenly felt that the older woman could see right through her, know every thought she had running around in her mind. She couldn’t just come out and say it, but she couldn’t brush it off either. This was Emily she was trying to hide from, it was almost impossible to keep her thoughts to herself when the brunette was around. Either JJ gave herself away too easily, or Emily was just a fantastic profiler, which she was, of course, but the blonde always ended up spilling her guts to the other woman, whether she liked it or not. But this was not information she could willingly share with the brunette, she couldn’t share that information with anyone, so she chose to stay quiet. Plus, what she was _really_ currently thinking about was something completely different than her old mission. Something she would be way too embarrassed to say out loud to Emily, which is what the older woman was _actually_ picking up on.

“Oh, I know that look. The ‘I can’t trust anyone but myself’ look? I invented it.” Emily said, trying to ease the blonde to confide in her.

Instead, the blonde sighed, shaking her head as she felt tears start to build up behind her eyes. “Do you ever feel like you’re in way over your head?”

The quiet nature JJ had said it concerned Emily, but she nodded in silent understanding, allowing the other woman to sit and think about the way to approach the subject that hadn’t come up yet. Emily herself was starting to feel lost. Her first instinct was that there was something off about the blonde, and she had been right. But it being her old mission was the part that she got wrong. She couldn’t pinpoint any other reason JJ could be feeling distant and distracted, so eager to help Emily but then immediately barricade herself behind ten-foot steel walls as soon as something being wrong is hinted at.

But the silence was worse than anything else so she decided to take a shot in the dark and ask JJ the important question. “Why do you feel that you’re way in over your head?’

The blonde sighed. She looked at Emily carefully before darting her eyes away and to the floor of the plane. She wanted to keep it to herself, but it was obvious Emily already knew something was wrong. Although she didn’t know what was wrong, she didn’t know what JJ was referring to, either. Was JJ ready to open that door though? If she did, it would change _everything_ about their relationship. And that was something that scared her.

She smiled sheepishly, shrugging as she ran a hand through her golden hair. “Never mind.”

Emily sighed, frustration seeping out of her from the younger woman trying to brush off her feelings. “Jay.” She gave the woman a look, telling her to open up.

“Seriously, Em.” She shrugged again, looking away from the brunette. “It’s nothing okay?”

“If it was nothing you’d tell me what it is without worrying. So it’s obviously not nothing.” She was still staring the blonde down, like the way she stared at potential suspects while interrogating them, only this one was a softer, kinder stare since it was directed at her friend.

JJ looked back up at her, saw the intensity in the brunette’s eyes, and decided to just share what was going through her mind. There was a huge change they’d never see each other again after tomorrow, so why not live life on the edge for the moment? “It’s just…” she pinched the bridge of her nose, squinting her eyes as she breathed. “It’s not about the mission I was put on.”

“Okay,” Emily said almost in a monotone voice. “Then what is it?”

JJ knew the older woman wasn’t acting cold, although her voice sounded that way. She was being to the point, wanting to know exactly what was wrong and how she could fix it because that’s what she did best. She solved puzzles and put bad guys away, sure, but she was able to figure people out with the snap of her fingers, and having that almost detached demeanor was one of the ways her mind worked so brilliantly. Even if it did make JJ a little uneasy.

“I thought…” JJ could feel the tears beginning behind her eyes again. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

“What do you mean?”

JJ took a breath as she pressed her fingertips into her tear ducts to keep the tears from falling. She cleared her throat, buying herself time once she realized what she was about to say.  With all the emotions from the past few days clouding her mind, she wasn’t thinking when she said her previous statement, and now she was scrambling quietly in her mind, trying to figure out a halfway decent lie she could say that a tired Emily would accept.

After everything that happened, there was no way she could just spill her guts and tell the brunette her secret of slowly falling for her.  She just got her back and the thought of being honest and telling her, instilled fear in her that Emily would run the other way, considering how she was running from something now. Her heart wouldn’t be able to hand not only Emily leaving her physically, but Emily leaving her emotionally vulnerable to get her heart trampled on and vanishing, making it so JJ had to fix her heart on her own, without any type of weird contact between them.

“JJ?” The blonde snapped her head up at the sound of her name, seeing Emily looking at her with worry etched into the lines of her face. “What’s wrong?”

JJ sadly smiled at the older woman, shaking her hair out of her face. “I think everything is just hitting, you know?” She shrugged, her fingers playing with each other in her lap as she thought. “Will and I broke up so I’ve been dealing with that and then you almost died, I mean you were lying in a pool of your own blood and the doctors weren’t sure if you were going to make it…” She breathed, feeling the tears push against the back of her eyes again. “It just felt like I was losing a lot. My boyfriend and now one of my best friends, two of the most important people in my life. Gone in an instant. It scared me.”

The older woman nodded, letting everything the woman in front of her was saying sink in. She could understand where the blonde was coming from, knowing a few things about heartache and loss herself. She was torn between wanting to ask JJ more questions about these feelings, about the fear of losing her, that she had been obviously holding in for a while now, and comforting her. She decided on a weird mix of the two concepts, not only to satisfy her need of wanting to guide JJ into some healing but also wanting to comfort her. “Well, I’m still here, so you didn’t lose me, okay?” The blonde nodded slowly, allowing Emily to continue. “When did you and WIll break up?”

JJ shrugged again, trying to avoid brown eyes, but couldn’t help and connect with them. “Like a week and a half a ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She sighed, placing her elbow on the top of the couch to lean her forehead onto her palm. “Because… you’ve been, for good reason, a little preoccupied. Your mind has just been elsewhere lately. I mean, I understand why now, but you know, it was just a breakup, it wasn’t important enough to interrupt your life for.”

“Jay, if you are ever in pain, big or small, you can _always_ tell me. I’m always going to be here for you.”

“Even over scrabble?”

“Especially over scrabble.” They laughed. “I’m guessing he ended it?”

“No, actually.” She released her breath. “I did.”

Emily looked at the blonde, shocked. It took her a second to realize what JJ was saying, and how there was definitely a story behind it. A story she was determined to get to the bottom of. “Alright, I’ll make us some coffee.”

Her eyebrows furrowed as she watched the older woman get up from the couch. It was a struggle for Emily to get up onto her feet, and JJ desperately wanted to help, but she knew the brunette would have none of her handouts, so she kept her place where she was. That didn’t change the fact she was confused about the change of subject though. “Coffee?”

Emily reached the tiny coffee station toward the back of the jet, right next to the bathroom. It was almost identical to the jet the BAU flew around the country, so navigating around the flying aircraft wasn’t too difficult. “Well, we both know this plane doesn’t have alcohol…” Her eyes squinted as her hands darted from the different objects inside the nook, finally figuring out where the actual coffee grounds were.

“Which you shouldn’t be drinking right now because of the little thing called surgery.” JJ pointed out, her arms folded across her chest as her back leaned against the side of the almost-too-stiff-couch, one leg folded under her as the other dangled over the side. She watched intensely as the older woman pressed a few buttons, scowling at the machine when it beeped angrily at her.

“Probably shouldn’t be having coffee either.” The machine went quiet and she quickly put the pot back into its place in the holder and smiled as the liquid started to drip down and pool on the bottom of it. “But you know me, I like to live on the edge.”

“A little too much, but yes.”

“JJ, there is no such thing as ‘too much edge.’”

“Ha-ha. I beg to differ, but alright, Daredevil.”

They both smiled at each other, eyes twinkling as their heartbeats beat slightly faster. Although neither of them knew it, they were both staring at the other in amazement, in adoration, in what could be mistaken for love from an outsider. Of course, both of the women would deny it if told about it, that their face was simply showing how tired they were and pleased that the other was safe. But if someone were to really look closely, they could definitely tell the blonde and brunette were certainly hiding something from the other.

The coffee pot let out a loud shriek to signal that it was done and the brunette broke the staring contest to retrieve two clean mugs from the holder and pour the dark caffeinated liquid inside them. She added just the right amount of cream and sugar in each mug that they each liked, JJ having more sugar _and_ cream rather than Emily’s just cream. She grabbed the dishes and headed back toward JJ, who gladly took the coffee from Emily’s outstretched hand and sipped, making a humming sound that sent the brunette’s heart racing.

“So,” Emily started, settling down onto the white seat as she shook her head out of her eyes. She probably shouldn’t have gotten up to make the coffee, as the stitches in her stomach were screaming from the weird movements she used to get up and down from the couch, but she was glad she now had something to hold onto while her hands shook for an unknown reason. “Why did you give him the boot?”

JJ laughs. “I didn’t kick him out of my life, just ended the relationship.”

“Yes, but why? Did something happen?

“I just…” JJ concentrated on the heat that was radiating from the mug into her hands, warming every part of her body. “Wasn’t feeling it anymore.” She shrugged, her face a shade of pink from embarrassment she didn’t know she felt.

“Did he do something? Hurt you in any way?” There was a mixture of concern and anger appearing on her already tired and beaten face.

“No, no. He didn’t. He never would.” What she said was true, he wouldn’t hurt her. He was too in love with her to hurt her.

She took a sip of the coffee, watching as the younger woman stared into the mug. “Jay, something had to have happened. A month ago you were considering marrying him and now you’re saying you walked away because you weren’t feeling it?” She shook her head. “I know you better than that, Jay. Tell me what’s going on.”

Now it was JJ’s turn to shrug, holding the mug in her left hand as her right played with the handle. The engine roared around them, a constant vibration in the air that numbed her mind. Once again, she didn’t know what to say, how much is too much? How open can she be without the fear of getting her heart destroyed? Would it be worth telling Emily that she was the one who was actually in her heart?

It wasn’t like she couldn’t have a good life with WIll. She could, and she did. She gave him her time and loyalty for years and he was great to her, _for_ her. He was patient, kind, supportive, and showered her with love, everything she could ask for in someone she’s sharing her life with. But it wasn’t that he was too available, too understanding, too anything. It was that her heart belonged to someone else, and it had taken her years to figure it out. He was a placeholder for something she thought would never happen.

He was a warm body for her to cuddle up to at night, a mouth to fill the excruciating silence with when she was home, rough hands and rhythmic movements to push her over the edge when she was in the mood. But he wasn’t what her heart yearned for. He wasn’t the one she thought about every second of the day. He wasn’t who she was in love with and she knew that continuing to string him along would only hurt him more, so she let him go and faced the cold, empty, lonely apartment she now had, by herself. It was an adjustment, but he deserved to be happy, and she knew it was just a matter of time until he realized she wasn’t giving into the relationship as much as he was.

She looked up at the expecting brunette, deciding to tell her a version of the truth, a form of it that wouldn’t get her into too much trouble. “There was just... “ She shrugged again. “Something missing.”

“Missing from him or the relationship?”

JJ sighed, coming to the realization that Emily wasn’t just going to give up on getting answers. It wasn’t in her nature, so she didn’t expect her to. So she decided she might as well answer the questions with the half-truths she’s been giving the older woman during this whole conversation. “Both, I guess.”

Then, to the blonde’s surprise, Emily nodded. “I understand that. You can’t figure out what’s missing, but you just know something is. I’ve been there many times.” She rolled her eyes, laughing lowly. “That’s why I have a cat.”

“I thought you had Sergio because you like cats?”

“I like cats, he fills a void, same thing.” She shrugged, smiling as she took another sip of her coffee.

It made her happy to see JJ laugh, her heart becoming swollen with love as she watched the blonde snicker to herself, eyes lighting up along with her mouth. There was a feeling in her gut and for a second she thought she pulled her stitches, but then she remembered they had taken her stitches out earlier that week. JJ had told her she’d been in and out of sleep for a few weeks as her body healed, protected in a hospital room all by herself. There wasn’t much she remembered, but some of the dreams she could see in her memory as vivid as ever, and watching the younger woman smile into her coffee brought them all rushing back.

Dreams of waking up with JJ in her arms, sharing kisses with their naked bodies intertwined in their sheets. JJ walking in front of her as they held hands, the blonde dragging her around a flea market, showing her interesting trinkets. JJ across the bullpen, looking up to wink at her before getting out of her chair, walking into her office just to close the blinds and kiss her deeply. Sitting on the jet with the team, JJ right next to her with her head on her shoulder, sleeping as their fingers gently twitched and played together. Standing out on the field, JJ in front of her with her arms wrapped around the blonde’s torso, placing a gentle kiss to an exposed neck while they watched their kids mess around with a soccer ball, JJ getting way too into cheering for them.

Emily could see all of these faded, crinkly movies in her head while sitting across from the main woman who starred in them. She had always known she felt something for the younger woman but never expected it to be this strong. _I guess dying can do that to you_ , she thought to herself, glancing down at the mug in her hands, it was the only thing keeping her from not shaking as her heart pounded harder. Her breathing quickened as well, telltale signs of her body letting her know it was agreeing with her head. She didn’t know when and she definitely didn’t know how, but all she knew was that she woke up in that hospital room with one person on her mind.

And now that one person was telling her she broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t feel a connection with him. Was it just her eyes and ears playing tricks on her, or did JJ seem like she was hinting at something? Could the younger woman maybe, _possibly_ feel something for her? It couldn’t be, right? Wouldn’t she have done something by now to show or tell Emily that she does?

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind, but it was no use. Her memory had jumped to a time when it was simpler between them. They were just friends, still getting to know each other. There was no hinting at hidden feelings or suggesting that the other might feel the same way. She remembered it was cold. It wasn’t snowing yet, but she could feel it in her bones, smell it in the air, that the flakes were going to fall soon. There were two cups of coffee in her hands, one for herself, the other for Garcia as JJ walked next to her, blonde hair still growing out from chopping it off.

_“Well, are you gonna call him?” The blonde asked, looking at Emily expectantly._

_She sighed, wanting to desperately avoid the topic altogether. “Maybe.”_

_“Ugh! Emily!” The blonde was frustrated, looking up at the sky as if she was fed up with the stubbornness the older woman naturally carried with her._

_She opened her mouth, beginning to protest JJ’s frustration with her own thoughts on the matter. “Nick Rosen is an arrogant, oversexed, egotistical–“_

_“Hot, British dude with a sexy accent, badge, and gun.” JJ finished for her, pointing out each specific item on the list that would make him perfect for Emily. “Just your type.”_

_She sighed, not knowing where to go from here. She knew arguing with the younger woman was useless, but she couldn’t help but want to prove her wrong. Because yes, the hot British dude would be her type, if she felt anything for him._

_“Alright, you know what, I don’t even get you sometimes.”_

_“It wouldn’t go anywhere!” She argued, or attempted to argue._

_“You don’t know that!”_

_“I know our work schedules.” She pointed out, making JJ stop in her mental tracks for a second, scrambling to come up with a counter-argument._

_“Okay, you know what, Will and I make it work.”_

_She doubted it. Not that she and Will did it because she knew they did. No, she doubted that she’d herself could do that, be so far from someone yet so close. She couldn’t imagine spending days, maybe even weeks, away from the person she was in a relationship with._

_And before she knew it, Garcia was in front of them, having a conversation with the blonde when her cell phone rang, bringing them back to the office for a case. “Maybe I should get a cat” she mumbled, being completely serious._

Looking at the blonde now, she understood why he wasn’t her type. Why she got a cat. Why she hasn’t opened herself up to any other relationship opportunity. The one she really wanted was right here the whole time.

JJ looked up at her, smiling sadly, squinting at her before speaking as if she was unsure of what she was going to say. “Did you really get Sergio to fill a void?”

She shrugged with one shoulder, avoiding blue eyes. “I think a part of me did. The other part just wanted a cat.”

It slowly went silent between the two, both of the women staring off into space while absentmindedly playing with their mugs, the stress of the past few weeks finally wearing them down. It wasn’t until JJ sighed that Emily drew her attention toward her, watching as she bit her lip in concentration of whatever she was thinking about, her right hand on her chest, fingers playing with her sister’s necklace.

It suddenly struck her how beautiful she is. She always knew that she was, but for whatever reason, looking at the blonde now, candid and lost in her own mind, made Emily realize the treasure that she always had in front of her. And she didn’t know whether it was almost dying or the fact she might never see this woman again, something inside her told her to go for it.

So she licked her lips, took a deep breath, and spoke. “You’re beautiful.”

The younger woman’s eyes darted towards her, a crystal blue that made her heart stop. “What?”

“You’re beautiful.” She repeated, keeping her voice steady. She didn’t dare break eye contact. Instead, she watched as the blonde sighed, ran the hand that was on her chest through her hair before resting her head on the top of the couch. Her hand flopped down in between them, just within reach of Emily’s. “I’m serious.”

The corner of JJ’s mouth twitched, but she made no movement to move her line of vision up toward the brunette. Her hand, however, inched forward to gently meet the older woman’s, slipping her fingers between ivory skinned ones, almost as if she was telling Emily to continue.

“You really are, Jay.”

There was another twitch of a smile, hands sliding closer together so now JJ  had the brunette’s palm fully against hers. The younger woman rubbed her thumb over Emily’s knuckles slowly, contemplating what she should do next. She wanted to be closer to the older woman but didn’t know how. She didn’t know how close was _too_ close and how much contact between them would cross the line. So she took a sip of her coffee and resolved to giving Emily’s hand a small squeeze. Just as she put the mug back down on her thigh and rested her head against the back of the couch, she felt Emily tug her hand, making her look up, confused.

Emily looked back at her, nodding her head to the left in a signal to come closer as she once again pulled JJ’s hand. But when JJ bit her lip and hesitated, Emily sighed. “Will you come here?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” JJ whispered back, thumb once again rubbing Emily’s hand.

“Jay, you’re not going to hurt me.” She tugged one last time on their clasped hands, making JJ lookup at her once more. “Come here.”

Finally, the blonde nodded, turning around to put her mug on the table behind her before gently scooting over to the older woman. She unconnected their hands so she could sit up onto her legs, knees touching the brunette’s thighs as she settled down again, this time close enough to wrap her arm around Emily’s torso and lean her head on her shoulder.

Emily took the new position as a good sign, relaxing her body so JJ could mold herself into it, even more, sighing as she placed her hand on the blonde's back. She slowly rubbed circles over the sweater JJ was wearing, feeling the heat radiating from her palm mixing with JJ’s skin underneath the layers.

They were once again silent, both unsure how much time had passed. JJ held her face nuzzled into Emily’s neck while Emily found JJ’s hand resting on her stomach, taking the opportunity to play with her fingers. She intertwined them together just to unlace them and then lace them again over and over until she felt the blonde give in and push back, creating an elegant dance of give and take, fumble and recover, caress and squeeze and intimate feeling, making sure to memorize what it felt like to hold each other in this way.

Not that they even knew what way they were holding each other. Friends? More than friends? The same questions ran around their heads one after the other, neither of them with enough courage to speak them aloud. Something had to be said though. Emily could tell they were nearing their destination and she didn’t want to get off the plane not knowing where this was going.

The brunette drank her coffee, swallowing the liquid as quietly as she could, knowing JJ’s ears were close to her chest and could hear everything her body was doing. But the younger woman didn’t say anything about the slight noise. Instead, she re-positioned herself, first lifting Emily’s arm that was holding her coffee above them so she wouldn’t knock it out of her hand, and then shifted, putting both legs over Emily’s lap and kept her butt on the couch while she nuzzled her nose into the brunette’s pale neck and placed her hand on the scarf that was still tied around the older woman’s neck.

Emily lowered her arm again, biting her lip as the butterflies in her stomach began to flutter. She couldn’t believe she actually called the blonde over to be closer to her, to lean into her. And the fact that JJ actually _did_ cuddle into her made her heart beat faster and hands shake, something she tried to cover up by gripping the coffee cup tightly in her left hand and take her nails up and down the younger woman’s back with her right hand. She had to resist the urge to lean down and kiss the top of the blonde’s head, not knowing if it would be crossing a line, even if they already had crossed a line with the way they were currently sitting, so she stared straight ahead as the younger woman continued to move around and get comfortable.

JJ, who had finally found a position where her body wasn’t stretched weirdly, now had Emily’s scarf right in her face, annoying her. She pulled on it to loosen it up but got frustrated when it wouldn’t budge. And without even thinking, Emily leaned forward, allowing JJ to lift the scarf up over her head and toss the fabric to the side, making JJ happy to get rid of the garment. She went back to sipping her coffee as the younger woman sunk into her again, hand back on her chest and now running her fingers over the protruding collarbone. It was a soft touch, one that sent shivers down Emily’s spine and shut the world out. She could only hear the sound of JJ’s quiet breathing, the loudest sound in her ears even with the plane’s engine roaring around them.

JJ, herself, focused on the strong beating of the older woman’s heart, knowing that it was that muscle that pulled her through the traumatic event Emily experienced. But she loved the feeling of the brunette’s steady rhythm on her palm, proving that not only was Emily alive, but so was she, and they were both here for this exact moment, the brunette holding her as she caressed the older woman’s pale skin. Neither of the women even noticed when JJ’s fingertips graced over the harsh red branding that was on Emily’s left shoulder, both of them too caught up in the moment to focus on something that seemed so small when their current moment was so large.

The blonde sighed, rubbing her nose up against the older woman’s pulse point, feeling the beat of it quicken slightly, which made her smile. She felt more relaxed than she had in a long time and was comfy enough that she could fall asleep in this exact position if she let herself. But falling asleep meant missing out on the electricity that was bouncing from her skin to Emily’s and back again. She wasn’t even sure if this was comfortable for Emily, or if she was enjoying it as much as the blonde was, but the older woman hadn’t made any moves or suggestions to prove otherwise and she was the one that initiated the cuddle, so she had to have been okay with it. JJ even had a split second thought to ask her if she was okay with it, but she came back to the same conclusion that if Emily wasn’t okay with it, she would have said something already.

But the silence was getting too loud between them, and JJ could feel herself begin to overthink what they were doing and what it meant for their relationship. She didn’t want these running through her mind while Emily held her closer than she ever had before, so she needed a way to distract herself. “Do you remember a few years ago when we went on that hike and we found that waterfall?”

Emily nodded, swallowing the rest of her coffee and then placed the empty mug on her knee. “It was in the middle of summer so we stripped and jumped into the water wearing our bras and underwear.”

The younger woman chuckled, finally sitting up, but only to grab the empty coffee cup from Emily’s hand and put it with her own on the table behind her. Then, she went back to her original position, once again being welcomed by the brunette. “The water was so clear and cool that day, we had to go in!”

“Yeah,” Emily started laughing. “And a frog jumped up from the water and scared you.”

JJ rolled her eyes, feeling the older woman’s chest rumble with the laughter. “It came out of nowhere.” She said, hiding her face in Emily’s neck as she groaned from embarrassment. “You would have been scared too.”

“You screamed so loud.” Emily continued, laughing again. “It was cute.” She placed her now free hand on JJ’s arm, rubbing the fabric of the blonde’s sweater while the younger woman tightened her grip around her.

They were quiet again, neither of them sure of what to say next and worried about breaking the spell that had been cast upon them if they were to speak. They liked the way the felt together, being so close together in an inanimate way. It felt _right_ , like they belonged this way, like everything that came before was just practice for how they fit together so perfectly. So they didn’t say a word, just sat there, JJ running her fingers over the brunette’s collarbone and Emily running her fingers through golden locks, both content in the moment.

Although, they knew they had to say something, if not about this then _something._ They couldn’t just sit like this and enjoy the even breathing of the other without their brains screaming at them to clarify what was happening.

What was happening? How did they even get into this position so quickly? What made Emily motion for JJ to come over? And what made JJ actually go over to Emily?

JJ tried shutting her eyes in an attempt to turn off her mind. If she didn’t see the older woman, her mind wouldn’t give her any puzzling questions. But of course, that didn’t work and ended up bringing more questions about. One she didn’t want answers to right now at this moment, it was too nice, too relaxing, to ruin it with complicated mumble jumble. She desperately just wanted to breathe Emily in and feel her fingers dance across her back while brushing her hair, enjoying the tingles that it brought that flowed from her skin cells to her every nerve ending.

If she tried hard enough, concentrated enough, she could picture them back at that waterfall, the place where she first felt the butterflies in her stomach and realized they were, indeed, from Emily.

Emily, the strong, brave, hard-ass of a woman who had a great controlled bitch face but also an incredibly soft side that included a smile that could make JJ melt in a heartbeat. Emily, who was her best friend, the person she confided to about Will and shared detailed sex disasters and dreams. Emily who came over after hard cases about kids and let her cry on her shoulder as they drank wine and detoxed the evil from their minds. This was _Emily_ , she was thinking about.

But she realized, it wouldn’t be anyone _but_ Emily. Since the older woman made her feel the most comfortable in her own skin. She could just tell that Emily loved her for who she is and not for something she had always tried to be. She knew Emily must feel the same way about her, considering how fast her heart was still beating, and that realization made her own heart beat faster, almost to the point where she had to catch her breath because it startled her so much. But she smiled and nuzzled into the older woman more.

Emily did her best to accommodate the blonde’s nuzzling, even though it just resulted in the younger woman running her nose once again over the pulse point on her neck. She hoped JJ couldn’t feel her heart rate, it was something she didn’t want to have to explain, or even find a way to if JJ asked her about it. But she didn’t think the blonde would, JJ too engrossed in whatever dialogue was going through her own mind. Emily could just tell JJ was lost deep in thought by the way she had her fingers dancing on her chest. They would steadily go back and forth, and then abruptly stop for a few seconds before picking back up again, resuming the speed and pressure.

It was a quirk Emily had noticed about the blonde years ago, mostly when they were on the BAU plane and JJ stared out the window, her middle finger moving in a tight circle over the table she would sit at. She would watch as the same process happened on the desk as was happening on her chest, a steady flow of the moment, a pause, then continuation as if nothing happened, her face blank and eyes giving nothing away to what raced across her mind. And Emily spent just as much time watching the blonde’s quirk as she did wish she could just crawl into JJ’s mind just to see what she was thinking so hard about.

Sometimes it was easy to guess, and she loved that, but other times, like now, she couldn’t come close to fathoming what JJ could possibly be pondering. And every time that happened, she wanted to ask JJ exactly what she was thinking but also didn’t want to wake the younger woman out of her daze. So, she sat back, like she was now, and attempted to keep her own mind off the younger woman by reading her book or looking out the window as well. Not that it ever did any good, her mind wandering over and over again to those pretty blue eyes and what lay behind them.

It was this same mental itch that Emily was currently fighting off, trying to keep her body loose and comfortable for the blonde to continue her thinking process without going insane herself. She could just ask her, come right out and voice her curiosity. Although she probably already knew what the younger woman was going over in her head. It was the same thing she herself had been going over in the back of her mind.

What were they doing? How did this change their relationship? What even was their relationship anymore? What was _happening_ and why did she _like it so much_? Could this be stopped before it started?

But she didn’t want to stop it. She wanted to see where it would go. She wanted it to lead to them kissing, right here on this plane, in the stress of pairs while the sun streaked through JJ’s blonde hair, in their hotel room on the bed, clothes thrown askew with the moonlight shining down on them to expose those beautiful crystal blue eyes. She wanted it to lead them to holding hands and lying together in the bed as they molded together as if their bodies were made for each other. She wanted it to lead them to a life of bliss in an apartment back in D.C., solving murders and throwing serial killers in jail and then coming home to Sergio and little feet pattering across the floor as their kids ran up to them all smiley and hopeful.

She wanted to rip her heart out of her chest and bury it in JJ’s because that’s where she knew it really, truly belonged. All those random dates and late night booty calls with random drunk women and horny selfish men was just her trying to erase her mind and soul of what she knew was the answer all along.

This.

 _This_ was the answer. And she hated knowing it finally became clear to her only _after_ she was stabbed and had almost died. _After_ the FBI thought the best way to keep her safe was to go into hiding. _After_ having to be ripped away from the one person who felt the most right. She hated everything about this plane ride and the place where they were going. But at the same time she didn’t, solely because of the woman that was in her arms. The woman who was making her heart race and palms a little sweaty. The woman who made heat pool in her underwear and legs turn into jello. The woman who made her laugh until she couldn’t breathe and cry as she let out all of her pent-up emotions. Her heart aches for the younger woman even as she held her closer, just knowing that they are going to have to part ways made her soul hurt.

If only there was a way to tell JJ what she was feeling, thinking, what she wanted to do, without scaring the younger woman or overwhelming her. What would she even say? She couldn’t put her thoughts into comprehensive sentences, they were too jumbled and confusing for even Emily to figure out on her own. But she knew that she felt something for the younger woman, that was clear, she just didn’t know how to say it.

But her mind failing her was okay because JJ had finally spoken up after being lost in her mind. She broke the silence and internal dread they were both having about the situation, giving them something else to think about.

“Can we go back there?”

Emily blinked, not understanding what the question was referring to. She had to go back into her mind and undo all the thinking she did, the conclusions she thought she came to, to figure out what the younger woman was talking about. “To the waterfall?”

“Yeah.” JJ nodded, moving a little bit back so she could see Emily’s confused face. She herself didn’t expect the question to come out, ultimately aiming to ask her something else and changing her mind at the split second she opened her mouth. But she didn’t regret the question either.

Emily nodded slowly, letting it sink in and fully understanding the blonde. She, too, wanted to go back to that perfect place where time seemed to stand still. She wanted to bathe in the waters with JJ and lose her fears and worries for the afternoon as they swam and floated to each other. “As soon as I’m able to, I’ll take you back.” She said, whispering it gently down toward the blonde, making JJ completely back away to look at her.

JJ smiled at Emily, a little side mouth of emotion, that said absolutely nothing, but absolutely everything. It was a shared emotion and understanding of what that place meant between them, and what they both thought of it.

It wasn’t just a small pool with a beautiful waterfall and dancing sunlight shimmering off rocks, water, and trees. It wasn’t just a place to cool off and let loose for a second. It was a place of connection and realization of who they were to each other. And even though it took them years to finally admit it, they now sat next to each other as they held their hearts out and slowly handed them over to the other person.

Whatever happened after this was going to be etched into their memories and hearts forever, even if they were _totally_ unsure of what exactly was going on or if the other felt the same way they did.

“You really want to go back?” JJ whispered, eyes searching the older woman’s face.

Emily nodded, her vision darting all over the blonde’s face, trying to spot anything that would give her any insight into her mind. “I’ve wanted to go back for awhile.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Emily shrugged. “I didn’t know if you’d want to go back.” She narrowed her eyes slightly, turning the tables around on the blonde. “Why did _you_ say anything?”

JJ shrugged as well, biting her lip. She didn’t ask because she wasn’t sure what Emily thought the waterfall meant to them. But now that she had some clue to the way Emily thought about that magical place, her body started to tingle, fingers itching to once again be close to the older woman.

She didn’t know what was happening but somehow she found herself standing up, moving her hair to one side, and then sat herself down on top of Emily, straddling her lap. She closed her eyes as she felt the woman’s hands wrap around her gently, allowing her to rest her forehead on Emily’s shoulder and breathe, finally feeling close to her. She didn’t know this was the position her body was craving for. This is was how close she felt she needed to be for her heart to finally still and breathing return to normal.

Both of the women had no idea what was going on, but neither of them made any move to stop it. It felt too good, too familiar, to want to put an end to it. And they both realized, in this moment, that this was what they exactly wanted. The closeness and their bodies and the shared oxygen. The way the rest of the world fell away while Emily slowly rubbed up and down the blonde's back with a feather-light touch. JJ ran her hands up Emily’s arms and to her neck, tangling them into raven colored hair as she lifted her head.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you.” It was a whispered command, but also just a soft statement filled with concern for the other woman. When Emily nodded, the younger woman smiled slightly, resting her forehead against the brunette’s. “You think I’m beautiful?”

“I think you’re gorgeous,” she breathed. Her heart was pounding so hard she was afraid the woman on top of her could feel it through her clothes. Her eyes fluttered shut, mimicking JJ’s as she tilted her head up a fraction, rubbing her nose against JJ’s.

“That’s funny,” The blonde said back, smiling. She nose bumped Emily gently, pulling away from her to position herself better to reach her hand around to the side of Emily’s head and pull her hair away from her neck. She tilted her head down, hot breath running over the newly exposed skin, causing the older woman to shiver. “Because I think _you’re_ gorgeous.”

Emily’s breath caught in her throat when she felt a soft peck to her pulse point. She didn’t dare move, too afraid that even a muscle twitch would scare the blonde off. And she couldn’t lose her, not when her heart finally felt full, finally felt that she was fulfilling some dream she didn’t know she had.

JJ kissed the skin again, testing out how it felt. She liked the smell of Emily, the heat she gave off. But she loved the little moan that came out of Emily, even more, when she allowed her lips to linger over the pulse point, applying more pressure as she did so. She did it again, just to see if she could get the same reaction. When she did, she tried to drag her teeth over the spot, smiling when the moan got louder. She slowly licked the area, receiving an open-mouthed moan from Emily. When she sucked gently, fingers dug into her hips, telling her what she was doing was correct and to keep going.

Beneath her, Emily was trying to control her breathing, feeling JJ’s lips on her neck had her heart thumping. The intensity of the kiss continuing to go up until JJ full on attacked the sensitive skin, making Emily tilt her head to the side, stretching her neck so the blonde had more room to continue doing what she was doing. She didn’t care if a red mark appeared, since no one she knew would be seeing her anyway. She didn’t think when she boarded this plane, that at some point JJ would be sitting on her lap, sucking at her neck and causing her heart to practically beat out of her chest.

JJ didn’t expect this either. She knew getting on this plane would open wounds that would take time to heal, but basically showing Emily how she felt about their “friendship” wasn’t even on the horizon of possibilities of things that would happen. A part of her wanted to actually voice the words and tell Emily what she felt for her and to see what the response would be, but the way the older woman was reacting to her now, told her that words didn’t need to be said. They both just _knew_. And when she finally needed air, JJ let go of the skin, tugging on it with her teeth before releasing it entirely. She breathed in a mixture of fresh oxygen and Emily’s heavy exhale, her breathing just as powerful as JJ’s. They smiled at each other, their noses once again rubbing together in what would look like a step toward their first kiss.

But Emily didn’t want that just yet. Not here on a plane. Although she knew she couldn’t just dodge JJ if she tried to connect their lips, so she ducked before JJ could attempt it, connecting her mouth to the exposed skin on the blonde's neck to return the delicious favor. And she knew the younger woman appreciated it by the way her neck immediately stretched out, hair falling away from the area and onto her back, a moan slipping from her lips in the process.

Her hands were still in the brunette’s locks, now slowly massaging her neck. She let out a low chuckle once Emily released her red skin, biting her lip and looked at the woman under her with sad and confused dilated pupils.

“Em…” she breathed, an undertone of uncertainty escaping with the name.

Emily carefully shook her head as the blonde once again leaned her forehead on hers, fingers now gracing across her cheek, jaw, lips. “Shhh. We don’t have to talk.”

“Yes, we do.” She sighed, almost as if she was defeated. “We can’t just do this and not talk about what it means.”

Emily swallowed, suddenly afraid. “What do you think it means?”

“That we like each other and we didn’t know how to say it until now and since you’re leaving for who knows how long, we are both afraid we’ll never have this chance again.”

Emily would have been shocked at how efficient JJ was in explaining what was going on, but she knew the profiler in her could seep out in unexpected times. She also had to give her credit, JJ was right. It was _exactly_ what they were doing.

“Do you want to stop?” Emily asked, bringing her hand up to cup JJ’s cheek.

“Only if you do.” It was whispered, full of fear.

“I don’t.”

“Then neither do I.”

Emily quickly tightened her grasp on the blonde, making sure she didn’t move from the spot, her other hand remaining soft on JJ’s face. The younger woman could be like water at times when it came to showing Emily her emotions, hot and then cold, solid and then fluid, never knowing what would come next. Emily was like a mountain, steady and calm, just waiting for JJ to come to her when she was ready. And now the water was flowing near the rocky pyramid. The older woman smiled, making sure she wasn’t going to slip through her grasp just yet.

JJ smiled back, running her fingers through dark brown hair, starting at the crown and going down to gather at the nape of Emily’s neck, also locking her in place. Their breathing quickened, hearts beating in sync as their faces drew closer, exchanging the same amount of oxygen between them. The younger woman tilted her head to the side, opening her mouth slightly in anticipation for the taste of what Emily was as the brunette followed the blonde's lead, lips parted just enough to be able to be a solid anchor.

It was slow, the air around them intensifying as their lips brushed each other’s, both suddenly a little shy from what they were about to do.

Until their courage set in. They both leaned forward to close the gap when the intercom crackled to life and turned on their reflexes. They listened as the pilot told them it was time to buckle up, they would start their descent soon. When the intercom went silent again, they both laughed awkwardly, still unmoving. They didn’t want to let go, even though they knew they had to.

JJ was the first one to make the move, slowly and carefully sliding off Emily’s lap as she avoided eye contact. She wished she had the guts to just quickly kiss the older woman, but she didn’t and now all she felt was embarrassment, shame, and yet Emily’s fingers threaded themselves through hers. She looked down at their conjoined hand and smiled, promising herself she’d kiss her in the hotel room.

 


	2. I Will Leave My Heart at The Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge shout out to my two betas, Cici and Shivani for fixing the stupid mistakes I constantly make. 
> 
> Sorry, this chapter took so long. There will be more, so stay tuned! And as always, I don't own anything related to Criminal Minds.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Inspired by “All I Ask” by Adele_

 

Emily couldn’t believe what was actually happening. The two hours it took to land the plane, get off, get a cab and check into the hotel were a complete blur. She vaguely remembered communicating with people to maneuver around enough to find the hotel and get a room which happened to only have one bed. She wasn’t sure about JJ, but with the glossy look covering her eyes, she was pretty sure JJ was just as fuzzy as she was. 

She didn’t know if it was her nerves from the almost kiss or the anticipation of what was going to happen now that they were in the ‘City of Love’, sharing a bed, shut out from the world until they get her new IDs, but something  was happening. Her hands tingled to touch the blonde’s body, her lips ached to kiss a mouth she had yet to touch, and her heart thumped faster and louder in her chest, wanting to just be close to the younger woman and envelope in her essence. 

It was silent during the elevator ride up, both of the women clutching onto their overnight bags on opposite shoulders, Emily holding the room key in the hand she had glued to the strap on her bag. They were close enough to have their hands brush, fingers lightly touching, unsure of whether to fully intertwine their hands together, or to leave them to whatever they were doing now. Emily looked over at the blonde who was watching the numbers go by on the top of the cage, astounded once again with her beauty. She decided holding hands would be a good step into figuring out what this was turning into so she slipped her fingers completely between JJ’s and watched how the younger woman smiled, her cheeks turning a shade of pink. The brunette smiled as well, turning her attention towards the opening doors once they heard the  ding  of their floor. 

Emily was the first to step out, holding onto the hand that was attached to JJ as she began to walk forward, scanning the hall doors as the numbers passed by until she saw the one she was looking for. She brought them to a halt and they faced the brown door, her heart thumping faster in her chest, hands beginning to shake as she attempted to slide the key card into the lock. When she couldn’t focus enough to smoothly guide it in, the younger woman removed her hand from her bag to place it on her arm that was between them with their conjoined hands. JJ squeezed both her hand and her arm gently, giving Emily the stability she needed to finally unlock the door and push it open, flipping the lights on. 

It was a nice room, on the small side with a queen bed in the middle, two side tables on either side of the mattress, and a dresser facing opposite of it with a TV perched on top. There was a floor to ceiling window and glass sliding door that was covered with sheer curtains, heavier ones to block out the sun pushed back to the side, that showed a magnificent view of a bustling Paris nightlife on a little side street that housed a cafe across the street with what looked like either another hotel or apartments on top of the cafe. There were a few restaurants and shops off to each side of the cafe, people stopping to look into the bright shop windows. A small table and two equally small chairs sat in front of the giant window and had an ice bucket ready to go set on top. If one of them opened the door, it would lead them out to the tiny balcony that had just enough room to drag out the said table and chairs for some fresh air. On the opposite side of the room from the window were two doors; one, a closet for hanging up clothes, and the other a bathroom that had the usual shower and sink with a water closet off to the side. 

Both of the women surveyed their surroundings, taking in the cream-colored carpet, tan walls, and brown bedspread and nodded. It was small, but they knew they wouldn’t be here for long, the inevitable goodbye was soon to come now that they were at their destination. JJ dropped her bag on the floor at the end of the bed as they awkwardly looked at each other. For the first time since before Emily’s fake death, they were alone. No nurses or flight attendants or pilots around to interrupt whatever they were about to do and say, just silence from the room and commotion of the busy city outside the window. 

JJ smiled, laughing awkwardly as she stepped toward the older woman. They had dropped their intertwined fingers once they entered the room and she had immediately missed the feeling of Emily’s hand in hers, so she was determined to get it back. But she wasn’t sure what to do, so she just crossed her arms over her chest, rocking back and forth from the heel of her feet to the balls of her feet, and back again, biting her lower lip as Emily carefully leaned down and set her bag next to hers. 

They both laughed this time, avoiding eye contact as the air suddenly became thick with the tension that had seeped in through the cracks in the walls. If either of them reached out in front of each other, they would be able to feel the tension, feel the way it wrapped itself around their bodies and clung to their throats, stealing their voices so they gaped at each other like fish, not knowing what to do next. 

JJ was the first one to move, turning around as she hugged herself tightly. She rubbed her hand up and down her arm while walking to the glass door, peering down below them and then across from them. She noticed the famous Eiffel Tower in the distance, about an inch tall from where she was standing. But as small as it was, she was still amazed at how gorgeous it looked, and she couldn't help but open the door and walk out onto the patio, cold air hitting her face and making her shiver. She placed her hands onto the cold metal railing and leaned over it slightly, watching the people bustling by below her. 

The brunette watched the younger woman take in the view around them. It would have been something that she’d be doing as well, if her mind wasn’t so captured by the blonde. Yes, the world around them was beautiful, but the woman in front of her was the sight of Paris and more, her heart skipping a beat as she tried to take a breath. Suddenly, she wanted to touch her, to feel the younger woman rest her body against her chest as she leaned back in her arms, trusting the older woman to hold onto her. 

Emily walked forward on shaky legs, stepping out into the world and simultaneously wrapping her long arms around a slender waist, somehow finding the courage to bring the perfect woman close to her. And just as Emily expected, the blonde leaned back into her, allowing Emily to hold up her weight as her head rolled back to rest on her shoulder. The younger woman’s fingers danced across the skin on the back of Emily’s hand, setting her skin ablaze with a tingly sensation she never even knew she craved. 

“Beautiful,” JJ whispered, staring out in front of them. 

Emily swallowed, a thought crossing her mind. She opened her mouth to let it be heard. “Not even this view compares to your beauty, Jay.” She said it equally as quiet as JJ had, and a part of her worried the blonde hadn’t heard it at all. 

But JJ had, and it made her blush. She knew Emily said it because she thought it was true, the brunette did think that, but hearing it come out of the older woman’s mouth was still somewhat shocking. The younger woman had heard Emily say she was beautiful before, but only when surrounded by the team complimenting her outfit or in passing when trying to bring up her self-esteem. JJ didn’t expect Emily to say it so blatantly right now, so out in the open for someone to hear. But it made JJ feel special and wanted and if she had the courage to ask, she’d ask Emily to say it a thousand times, over and over. But since she  didn’t have the courage, she instead bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, taking a deep, crisp breath through her nose before turning around in Emily’s arms. When she opened her eyes again, brown eyes were smiling at her as she slipped her hands up around Emily’s neck, looking back into chocolate-colored orbs. One of her hands moved to cup the older woman’s cheek, JJ’s forehead coming down to rest on Emily’s as they both breathed slow and deep. The world around them fell away the second their noses bumped, the older woman gently nuzzling hers up against JJ’s. 

They could both feel their hands shaking, hear their hearts thumping in their chests, fear and longing mixing between them. Emily placed her hands gently on the blonde’s hips, carefully pulling the smaller woman closer to her so their bodies were touching, making their nervous shaking more noticeable. Though neither said anything about it, both women knew they were each just as terrified and ecstatic at the same time, curious and doubtful, wanting to push away and pull closer all at once. 

They continued to rub their noses against each other, eyes closed while breathing in each other’s air. JJ  knew that Emily wouldn’t be the one to make the first move, not wanting to push JJ too far, but she was scared to do that to Emily as well. Kissing each other’s neck didn’t seem as intimate as kissing each other’s lips. Necks were just skin, lips were able to kiss back. However, JJ desperately wanted to know what Emily’s lips felt like against hers, how she tasted and how she moved her mouth with her, so she took the plunge and tilted her head while carefully surging forward, capturing open and willing lips. The first kiss was brief, both of the women shy and unsure of what they were doing. But as the butterflies erupted in their stomachs and chests, they went in for more, this time longer and slightly more forceful, to feel more pressure, slow and deep, feeling the way the other moved effortlessly, perfectly with her. 

They both noticed how good it felt to kiss the other, how perfect and  right it was. Together they stood outside on the balcony as their lips slowly danced and explored each other, making them moan into each other’s mouths as hands weakly and shakily grasped at anything they could. Once they needed oxygen, they broke the long stream of kisses and breathed, eyes closed for a brief second before opening so brown orbs could look into blue ones. They shivered from the cold, JJ tightening her grasp on the taller woman to get some warmth. Emily licked her lips, unsure of what to do next, which caused a giggle from JJ, in turn making the brunette laugh as well. And it was in their laughter that they took a few steps towards the bed, JJ pushing the door closed with her foot as Emily fell backwards onto the bed once the back of her knees touched the mattress, bringing the younger woman with her as she let out a grunt. 

“Shit,” JJ said, standing up to look Emily over. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” 

Emily swallowed, taking a second to breathe. “No, I’m okay. Just knocked the wind out of me a little.” 

The blonde nodded, still looking at her with concern. Then she noticed the way Emily was smiling, her eyes glazed over and a hand reached out to hold hers gently, waiting for JJ to join her on the bed so they could continue what they were doing. She knew continuing what they were doing would eventually lead to sex, something she had thought of having with Emily for years. Suddenly, she needed a minute. “I have to go to the bathroom.” She blurted out, dropping Emily’s hand. She turned on her heel and made a beeline for the closed bathroom door, quickly opening it and slipped inside before shutting it with a click. 

The brunette’s eyebrows furrowed as she watched the blonde run into hiding, worried she did something wrong. But she herself could use a minute to breathe and gather her bearings, slipping out of her shoes and socks before sliding herself back onto the bed. She crawled backwards until she reached the headboard and sat with her back leaning against it, legs straight out in front of her as she looked outside through the shimmery curtains at the setting sun. 

Inside the bathroom, JJ looked at herself in the mirror, turning on the tap to gather water in her cupped hands and splash her face with it. She breathed deeply a few times, getting her anxiety under control before she went back out to Emily. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do this, because she did. She had dreamed of it for years, for as long as she had known the older woman, having it seep into her dreams and daily thoughts. But dreaming about it and actually having it as a reality are two different things and her nerve endings were jumping around in anticipation to how everything would play out. She wanted to be vulnerable with Emily and to have Emily be vulnerable with her, but she never actually thought it would  happen . But now that she was here, she didn’t really have anything to lose. She wanted to steady her breathing and heart rate before going back out, though, so she continued to take deep breaths, closing her eyes to make sure she was calm and ready for whatever was about to happen. And after a few minutes of the mini-meditation, while the water dried on her face, she opened the door and walked out to the awaiting brunette. She slipped off her shoes and socks just as Emily had done before climbing onto the bed, immediately returning to the position she had on the plane, only this time she was more relaxed. 

“Everything okay?” Emily asked, her hands going to JJ’s hips as JJ’s went around her neck. 

The blonde nodded, smiling, inching her face closer to Emily’s.

“Jay, are you sure you’re okay?” Emily was adamant in not wanting to do anything if JJ wasn’t ready. 

JJ nodded again, pulling away from the older woman so she could look at her fully. “I just needed a minute.”

“It’s a lot, huh? This?” Emily says, motioning between them both.

JJ nodded once more, shrugging, trying to blow off what her mind was thinking. “Want to pick up where we left off?” 

“If that involves me kissing you, then yes.” Emily smiled back at her, once again closing the gap between them, but stopped just before the heart skipping connection. “Just… wait. Are… are you sure this is what you want?”

The blonde didn’t move away from her. Instead, she placed her forehead on top of Emily’s as she thought about it, half of her glad Emily decided to push the topic so she could speak her thoughts, but also upset that Emily was halting  the fun. “Yes, it is.” She waited a second before repeating the same question to Emily, making sure they were both on the same page. 

“Well,” Emily started, tightening her grip on the younger woman so she didn’t wiggle away at the sudden uncertainty in her voice. “I think we need to talk about what’s going on between us, but I also really want to kiss you.” 

“Okay,” JJ finally pulled back so she could look into brown eyes, settling down onto Emily’s lap more comfortably. “What do you want to talk about?” 

The older woman took a second to think, sighing while trying to find the right words. “Do you think it’s a good idea? This? Us?” She waved her hands between them, emphasizing what she was talking about. 

JJ looked down into her lap, letting the question settle into her mind. She didn’t want to respond the wrong way and give Emily the wrong impression. She honestly didn’t know if it was a good idea, but she knew she would regret it if she didn’t try. Slowly, she opened her mouth and began to speak. “I think this is the last time I’m going to see you for who knows how long, and I’ve wanted this for so long… Not just to sleep with you, of course, but to just be  near you in this way.” She took a breath, nodding again. “So yeah, I think it’s a good idea.” 

“It could also be a bad idea, since we don’t know how long it’s going to be until we see each other again.” Emily pointed out, thumbs rubbing the fabric of JJ’s pants. “I don’t want to just sleep with you and then vanish.” 

“You won’t really be vanishing though, right? I mean, we’re still going to find a way to talk.” 

“Yeah, but…”

JJ took a breath, moving her hands down Emily’s neck and chest to rest on her stomach, looking down again as she shrugged. “In my mind, I’d rather have you for one night and know how you feel about me than just wonder forever.”

The older woman listened to what JJ was saying, agreeing with her. She, too, would rather have JJ for a night rather than not having her at all. And she owed it to the younger woman to tell her what she felt. “Okay, well, I think I slowly started falling for you years ago. But I was always too scared to say anything in case…” 

“I didn’t feel the same way.” JJ finished, looking up into Emily’s face. “Yeah, I get that. A little too well, actually.” She laughed, shaking her head. “If I knew how you felt toward me I would have made a move a lot sooner. But alas, here we are.” 

“Yes, here we are.” Emily moved one of her hands to hook blonde hair behind an ear and cup a cheek, feeling the warmth JJ was giving off through her palm. “I think it’s about time we took advantage of this before it’s too late.” 

“I think so too,” JJ smiled, her hands running back up Emily’s body to rest behind her neck. “Because I really,  really , fucking like you.” 

The older woman smiled back at the woman who was straddling her lap. It was still slightly shocking for her how the day had unfolded, but she didn’t think she would change how it happened at all. The girl of her dreams was on top of her, smiling at her and rubbing her nose against hers, waiting to see who caved first and kissed the other. To hell with the fact that she was leaving tomorrow, she had all she needed right now sitting in her lap. Even if it might be a stupid idea, it was a stupid idea she couldn’t imagine living without having tried. 

Emily smiled, becoming flirty toward the blonde, feeling amazing over the fact she could flirt and have JJ actually respond in a way that wasn’t weird or had a double meaning. “Why don’t you  show me how much you like me?” 

The blonde took that as an answer and ran, tilting her head up to collide their lips in their second kiss. It was interrupted when they both smiled, giggling into each other from the fact that after all these years, they were finally close. Emily leaned forward this time, capturing JJ’s lips in a third kiss, moaning into it when the blonde pushed back with equal force. The younger woman’s fingers tightened in Emily’s hair for a split second before smoothly running down the front of her body, feeling how the brunette shivered when she moved down her clothes covered breasts. 

When they ran out of air, they let go, but only so the younger woman could run her tongue over Emily’s bottom lip, asking for entrance. It was granted and soon their tongues were massaging each other, dancing together as their hands roamed backs and legs, feeling how the other person reacted to a certain touch. 

It didn’t take long before Emily’s fingers started to wander around the scarf JJ was wearing, that she had stolen from Emily after getting off the plane, gently unwrapping it and sliding it off a delicate neck to be the first item of clothing removed. The blonde smiled, moving her hair to one side when Emily’s fingertips brushed over the red mark she had left earlier. 

“Oops,” she said, grimacing. “Didn’t realize I was sucking so hard.” 

JJ shook her head, smiling. Her own hand was gently moving the brunette’s hair away from her neck, making it so she had a clear area to repay the favor, if she so chose to do so. “No, it felt good. I liked it.” 

“Did you?” The older woman smirked, sitting up more to get closer to JJ’s neck again. “Well then, I don’t think you’d mind if I continued my exploration.” 

The blonde stopped her, pushing against Emily’s chest to make her sit down again. “You can explore all you want. But first…” She leaned forward to the ear that was free of hair, grazing her teeth over the lobe, making the woman beneath her shiver. “I want to show you how good it felt.” 

First, she stuck out her tongue and dragged it up the pale neck, from the base up to her pulse point, making Emily shiver again. Then, she kissed the skin there, feeling the older woman’s heart quicken under her lips. She grazed her teeth, then opened her mouth to give a hot, breathy kiss before sucking down, drawing a moan from the woman beneath her. She alternated between sucking, biting, and licking to sooth the bright red mark to be able to continue hearing the decadently addicting sounds Emily made. 

“JJ,” the older woman whispered when the blonde took a break to breathe. “I want to feel more of your skin.” Her hands were at the edge of JJ’s sweater, gently pulling up on the fabric to signal what she meant. 

The blonde nodded, raising her arms as the fabric was slowly lifted up her body and over her head, tossed to the side. Emily took in the sight before her, JJ sitting on her lap in a black bra that perfectly cupped her breasts. She was about to start kissing her way down the younger woman’s chest when JJ lifted her chin to take her lips instead, the hungry look in Emily’s eyes turning her on. And since JJ was now without a shirt, the blonde thought it was only fair if the older woman was in the same position, so as they kissed, JJ smoothly undid button after button, pushing away the fabric to the side once it was all done. JJ’s fingers searched the muscles covering Emily’s abs, feeling them contract under her hands as Emily’s torso moved while kissing her. Slowly, the blonde moved her hands up Emily’s body, over her bra covered chest, and up her neck, pushing the fabric over broad shoulders and down her back to be wiggled free of arms and on to the floor to join her shirt. Their kissing ended due to lack of oxygen and JJ took the time to eye Emily’s white bra as Emily eyed hers. She smiled, heart beating. 

“These pants,” the smaller woman began, hands already playing with Emily’s belt buckle. “Need to go. Now.” 

The brunette nodded, letting the blonde unbuckle her as well as unzip her pants before JJ backed up on her knees and off the bed to give Emily room to work. The older woman pushed the pants down to her own hips to help the blonde pull them off her legs before watching as JJ dropped them at her feet. Suddenly, the blonde’s face turned dark, revealing a trickster-ish side of her as she smirked, fingers slowly undoing her own pants as she painstakingly slowed her movements while she pushed her jeans over her hips and down her legs, obviously putting on a show for the woman lying on the bed. 

It worked, Emily’s mouth going dry at the picture in front of her, JJ’s body slowly being revealed in a way that was turning her on like no other. She groaned when the fabric finally hit the floor and the younger woman stepped out of it, revealing tanned skin and long legs. She licked her lips, breathing hitched, when the blonde crawled onto the bed, exaggerating her movements to make it seem like she was about to pounce on the older woman. Once JJ finally made it up to Emily, she whipped her hair onto one side and lowered herself back onto the lap she was on earlier, her black panties that matched her bra on full display for Emily to touch and see. 

The brunette could feel her heart thumping hard, her hands beginning to shake from anticipation, and all she wanted to do was kiss JJ more. But the younger woman decided to tease Emily, keeping their lips just close enough to barely brush each other, but not close enough to actually kiss, making the brunette whimper when she continued to be dodged. She was about to complain when JJ started moving, rolling her hips down onto Emily’s lap, making Emily grin. 

JJ wanted to drag out the moment she was creating, relishing in the fact that Emily’s hands were on her waist, her fingernails digging into her skin as she felt her muscles contract from the movements she was doing. She raked her hands through her hair, getting it out of her face but also leaning her head back, allowing the brunette to see how long her torso was, to see every muscle constrict under her skin she was using to move. She left her hands tangled in her hair, arms up as she began to move her hips in a circular motion, Emily helping out by sliding her hands down to help guide her hips. 

Blue eyes looked into brown ones as Emily bit her lip, moaning at the sensation that was being created in her now hot center. JJ smirked again, knowing exactly what she was doing to the woman beneath her, and decided that Emily should feel what she was doing to her as well. So, she lifted herself off of the brunette’s lap, slipped her knee between the older woman’s thighs, and settled down again, this time making sure her soaked underwear was rubbing against pale skin as she jutted her hips forward and back. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Emily whispered, eyes wide from realizing how turned on JJ was. “You’re already so wet…”

JJ stopped moving, wanting to really look at the woman in front of her. “Does that bother you?”

The brunette shook her head, her hands rubbing up and down JJ’s back. “No, I’m glad I can turn you on so much. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamt of this, so the fact that it’s real and you’re…” She swallowed, unable to find the correct words. She wanted JJ to feel how much she herself was turned on, so she gently tugged at her hips to get her to move forward, both of them gasping when JJ’s knee hit Emily’s wet center. 

“I could say the same about you.” JJ laughed, running her hands through brown locks to see all of Emily’s face. “You’re the beautiful one, Em.” It was whispered, blue eyes staring into brown ones with a slight smile on her lips. “So gorgeous…”

They stayed in that position for a few moments, taking in each other as the world around them faded away. Noises from the outside silenced as their heartbeats filled the air, each breath vibrating and echoing between them. Skin seared wherever they touched, leaving hot patches of lust in their wake while gripping any part of their bodies they could, lips dancing together perfectly. 

“Do you want to keep going?” JJ asked, stopping her movements and releasing Emily’s lips when she needed air.

Emily nodded, her thumb rubbing over JJ’s motionless hip. “Do you?”

Now it was JJ’s turn to nod, smiling as her hips started up again, more forceful this time. She loved how Emily’s thigh fit perfectly between her legs and how when Emily contracted her muscles, it created a different sensation on her center. She moaned, pushing down harder whenever the leg beneath her twitched as Emily began to strain it, the brunette loving the sound JJ made. 

Emily’s eyes roamed over the body above her, smiling at how much JJ seemed to enjoy rubbing herself down onto her. She wanted to snake her hand down between JJ’s center and her thigh so whenever the blonde moved forward, her clit would bump into her fingers, but she didn’t so JJ wouldn’t be pushed over the edge so soon, especially when she wanted to see and touch more of her skin. And with that thought, she gently ran her hands up JJ’s back to her shoulders, moving the straps of her bra so they fell down. No words had to be spoken between the two women as the blonde automatically snaked both arms free of the straps, stopping her hip movements again to nod at Emily. 

The older woman was gentle, using both her hands to unhook JJ’s bra and let it fall between them, the blonde picking it up to toss it to the side before Emily could. The brunette also noticed how JJ kept her eyes closed tightly while she gave Emily the chance to look her over, almost as if she was shy and didn’t want to see how the older woman was looking at her. But Emily decided that words were better than simply going to town and massaging JJ’s breasts, so she leaned forward to whisper into the blonde's ear as she kept her hands flat against JJ’s back. 

“Beautiful.” She said, gently kissing JJ’s temple, feeling her finally relax. The younger woman kept her eyes closed, but Emily didn’t mind. She understood how vulnerable JJ was right now, and knew that looking someone in the eye could be scary. So instead of focusing all her attention on the now exposed breasts, she decided to kiss her way down to them first, starting at the jaw, then moving down to the neck until she reached her collarbone. She nipped at the skin covering the bone before kissing her away across it and eventually moving lower, to the middle of JJ’s chest and down the valley of her breasts. But she didn’t make contact with them. 

Instead, she reached behind her own back and undid her bra, seeing how JJ snapped her eyes open at the sound. The blonde smiled, glad that Emily allowed  her  to remove the piece of clothing from Emily’s body after she had undone the hook, allowing JJ to look at Emily’s chest for the first time. The older woman could sense the hesitation from JJ, and carefully guided her hands to her breasts so she could massage them and explore. But when the blonde's hands didn’t move, a warning bell sounded in Emily’s head. 

“Jay,” she began softly, “is this the first time you’ve been with a woman?” The blonde looked away, nodding embarrassingly. “Would you like me to walk you through it?”

The younger woman looked back into Emily’s eyes, confusion and determination mixed on her face. “I just… I’m not sure what I’m doing.” 

Emily nodded, sitting up more. “That’s okay. We can take this one step at a time, okay?” JJ nodded again, unsure of what was going on. “Here…” Emily placed her hands over JJ’s and began gently squeezing. “You just kind of massage them, like this. And when you feel comfortable, you can play with the nipple.” 

JJ nodded again, continuing the movements once Emily’s hands left hers. “But how do you…?”

“Just do what you think would feel good, I’ll let you know if it feels good to me.” Emily smiled at the younger woman, moving blonde hair away from rosy cheeks. 

JJ’s brows furrowed as she concentrated, experimenting with pressure and movements, seeing what made Emily’s eyes flutter closed and what made her moan quietly. The longer she played, the braver she got, until she removed one hand completely to be replaced by her mouth. She was surprised that licking Emily’s nipple made the older woman’s back arch and moan louder. When JJ gently bit down on it Emily gasped and wiggled, making JJ giggle. 

“See?” Emily said after a groan. “You’re a natural.”

JJ removed her mouth and hand from Emily to look at her, the brunette’s eyes fluttering open at the loss of contact. She shrugged. “None of the guys I’ve been with gave me any attention like that.”

“None?”

She shook her head. “One of them tried going down on me once, but he was so rough that I volunteered to go down on him instead and I just never tried again.”

“Is that something you’re interested in?” Emily asked, tilting her head. 

JJ shrugged, looking down at her hands in her lap. “With you? I… I think so… but…”

“But what?” She cupped the blonde's cheek, lifting her head to look at her. 

“I kinda wanna see if I could,” she breathed, looking away again briefly before locking her blue eyes with Emily’s brown ones. “I want to make you cum first.”

Emily’s heart stopped, JJ’s intense gaze causing her breathing to quicken and her center to gush, burning with just the thought of what JJ could do to her. “O-Okay. Do you… do you need any help?”

JJ laughed at how off guard she caught the older woman, kissing her lips to bring her out of the shock. “No, this I think I can handle. If you don’t mind…?”

Emily felt fingers at the edge of her underwear, and smiled, nodding to give the younger woman permission. And without any hesitation, JJ pushed her way into Emily’s panties and began to feel the wetness inside. She pushed her fingers through slick folds, following Emily as she scooted down the bed to lay on her back. JJ quickly dipped the tip of her finger into Emily’s entrance before removing her hand completely from the fabric so she could push it off her hips and down Emily’s legs, the brunette kicking them off and immediately opening her legs back up for JJ. 

The blonde smiled at how willing the older woman was for her, settling back down on her thigh as she kissed the exposed neck while her fingers began working again. She pushed through folds and teased her clit, dipped her finger inside an entrance once, twice, three times before Emily moaned at her to stay inside. But JJ just moved back up to her clit, rubbing the sensitive bud as Emily’s hand tangled into blonde hair while the other gripped hotel sheets. 

They kissed as the brunette groaned, hips beginning to jut upwards. “JJ, please.”

“Please what?” She asked, hot breath flowing over Emily’s face. 

“Please… f-fuck me.” Emily moaned again, hips rolling and begging for her hand to move down. 

“How do you want me to fuck you? Like this?” JJ slowly pushed her finger inside Emily and then quickly pulled it out before moving back up to the clit. When Emily grunted frustratingly, JJ smiled. “How about like this?” She pushed her finger back inside, and held it still, her thumb pushing on the clit. 

Emily groaned again, hips still moving frustratingly. “More. Please, Jay, more.” 

“More…” JJ repeated, an evil smile on her face. “You mean like this.” This time it was a statement, giving Emily exactly what she wanted as she moaned loudly when a second finger entered her and began pumping. 

“Yes.” Emily hissed, smiling. She bit her lip as the sounds continued to flow out of her, wrapping her arm around JJ’s torso to keep her from moving away. 

The brunette’s breathing was ragged and her heart pounded, sweat pooling on her skin as JJ worked her, giving her exactly what she wanted when she asked for it, bringing her closer and closer to the edge until the blonde sucked on her neck and pushed her over. Emily whispered JJ’s name as she convulsed, clutching onto the sheets and JJ’s back while riding out her orgasm. She whimpered when she was finished and still felt JJ’s fingers inside her, curling up to hit that sensitive spot inside her. 

“Do you think you have another one in you?” JJ asked quietly into her ear, using her free hand to massage the top of Emily’s sweaty head. She was now also moving her hips, watching Emily cum had turned her on so much that she couldn’t help but try to give herself some sort of pleasure. She was perched up on her elbow, hand tangled in brown hair while the other was bringing Emily pleasure. 

“Yes.” The older woman choked out, nodding her head violently, hips still twitching from the first orgasm. She looked at JJ with pleading eyes, knowing full well that if JJ asked her to cum five more times, she would. In this moment, she would do anything for the woman on top of her, anything that would please JJ. “Keep… Please…”

JJ followed her orders and continued her movements. She couldn’t help but smile as she noticed the signs of Emily being built up and reaching the edge. The way she licked her lips and scrunched her nose, the way her chest heaved and how the hand on JJ’s back stiffened into a claw before raking her nails across skin. There was, again, a whisper of a name and JJ knew Emily was about to explode, but what she didn’t catch the first time was how her eyes rolled and the hand on the bed released the sheets right before she fell over the edge completely. But she didn’t want Emily cumming so quickly and easily after the first orgasm, so she slowed her pace, which in turn, stopped the older woman from hitting her peak. 

Emily whined impatiently, opening her eyes just enough to see the devilish smile JJ was sporting. She bit her bottom lip, about ready to beg the blonde to keep going, when the younger woman opened her mouth instead, leaning down and whispering the words in her ear. 

“Do you want to cum?” JJ asked, making her voice breathy enough to drive Emily even crazier. 

“Yes,” Emily whined. 

“Will you wait until I tell you to cum?”

Emily gasped for air, tightening her entire body so as to not fall over the edge. “Yes.”

The blonde could sense that if she continued the movements with her fingers, it wouldn’t matter if Emily wanted to wait or not, she would explode. So she removed her fingers, licked them clean quickly, and began dragging her nails up and down the sweat beaded torso of the woman underneath her. It eased the tension in Emily’s body to be rid of the constant stimulation but still held her close enough to where she wanted to be. 

“Do you know how beautiful you look right now? Waiting for me to tell you to cum?” She continued to drag her fingers up and down Emily’s body, watching her writhe in pleasure. Her own body was tingling in anticipation of what Emily was about to experience. “So gorgeous… Look at me, Em. Open your eyes and look at me.” 

Emily did as she was told, showing JJ her glazed over brown eyes, still mentally pleading with her to let her be released. She accepted the kiss JJ offered, sloppily trying to give JJ pressure into the kiss with her lips. 

“You are perfect.” It was said so quietly, it was almost inaudible, but JJ knew the brunette heard it. And before they could make a comment on it, JJ slid her fingers back down to Emily’s center and began pumping again, quickly bringing the older woman back to the edge. “Do you want to cum?”

Emily nodded, finally unable to use any words. 

“Then cum for me, Emily. Cum for me.” 

Emily drew in a breath, holding it as she felt the flood gates open up and release the pent-up energy. She moaned, low and long, hand clutching the sheets again while her shoulders shuddered and hips twitched, JJ watching in astonishment at how beautiful it was. 

And when Emily finished for the second time, JJ tried to drag it out as much as possible. She removed her hand from inside the brunette and wiped it on the edge of the bed, licking off any excess juice the sheets didn’t remove. She discovered she liked the sweetness Emily produced and followed up the taste by licking the salty sweat off her chest and neck, Emily giggling at the feeling. 

“Somebody seems to like how my entire body tastes.” She twisted, stretching her muscles before wrapping her arms around JJ while lips kissed her neck. 

The younger woman smiled, lifting her head to look into hooded brown eyes. “I can’t help it. You’re better than I imagined.”

“Oh, you imagined me, did you?” 

JJ bit her lip at how low and husky Emily’s voice sounded. It was almost the same as her voice when she woke up from sleep, but with a hint of a growl, she figured only sex could bring out. “More than I could count. You sound different than I imagined, though.”

“I hope I don’t sound worse than you expected.” Her body was lazy, allowing JJ to rub her sore muscles while she laid there. 

“No.” JJ chuckled. “I thought you would talk more. More words than moaning, so that was a slight surprise.”

“I can talk more if you want me to.” Emily looked into blue eyes, completely content with how she was feeling. 

“No, no. Don’t change anything for me. You still sound fucking amazing, and you definitely turned me on. I just figured you’d talk more, that’s all.”

The brunette sighed, regaining strength in her arm to drag her fingertips up and down JJ’s back. “To be honest, normally I do. I know it’s what people expect from me so I deliver that, but I didn’t want to do that with you.”

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. It kind of felt like lying a little bit. I think because I’ve waited for this for so long, I wanted to be myself and fully enjoy it, not force myself to be something someone wants to see.”

JJ nodded, hooking her hair behind her ear before resting her chin on her fist on Emily’s shoulder, looking at her. “Well, I’m glad you were yourself.” She cleared her throat, unsure of how to approach the next topic. “The um… dominating part wasn’t too much?” 

Emily shook her head, smiling slightly up at the younger woman. “No. No, it was good. I liked it.” She licked her lips. “Did you…?”

JJ nodded. “Yeah. Not sure where it came from, but I liked it. It was… fun.” She chuckled. “I’m just glad you felt good. Made the experience more enjoyable for me.”

Emily smiled softly, taking a moment to breathe. “Speaking of enjoyable. It’s your turn. And if you don’t mind, I really want to taste you, considering you’ve been rubbing yourself on me this entire time.”

This made the younger woman laugh, rolling onto her back when Emily pushed her way out from under her. “Okay. I’m sure you can do better than Tommy anyway.”

“Tommy?”

“Boyfriend back in college. The one who attempted to go down on me and it just didn’t work.”

“May I ask why?”

“Didn’t like his beard.” She crinkled her nose, making Emily laugh. 

“Well, luckily for you, I don’t have a beard.”

“Thank god. That would be a whole other conversation if you did.”

They smiled at each other. 

Emily slowly lowered herself down on top of JJ, keeping eye contact with her until their lips met with a sensual kiss. The blonde allowed her instincts to take over, feeling as her hands moved where they wanted to, up and down Emily’s bare back, feeling the strong muscles. They both moaned quietly when their breasts rubbed against each other’s, smiling into the kisses. 

The brunette released the younger woman’s lips to once again hover her body over JJ’s, waiting for blue eyes to open and look at her. When they did, Emily gave a small smile. “Do you trust me?” She whispered. 

JJ licked her lips, one hand moving to cup Emily’s cheek. “Yes,” she whispered back, smiling. 

The older woman leaned down again to kiss perfect lips once more before beginning her travels over JJ’s body. She started across her jaw and down her neck, stopping to spend some time sucking on her pulse point to hear the woman beneath her moan. Then she continued, reaching a prominent collar bone and kissed from one side to the other. She nipped at skin every so often so JJ could feel more than one sensation on her skin. 

When Emily got to the valley of the blonde's breasts, she stopped, nudging her nose into the skin where JJ’s heart was beating rapidly. “Is it okay if I go lower?” 

“Yes,” JJ husked, her eyes closed while her hands continued to move around Emily’s body, not being able to get enough of her. 

She took a second to remember what JJ had started to do to her breasts earlier and decided to mimic those movements, knowing it was what JJ thought she herself would have liked. So Emily took one hand and placed it firmly on a breast, slowly squeezing and rubbing it, massaging the flesh until JJ let out the sound she was searching for. She switched breasts and waited for the same reaction. Once she got it, she went back to the other one, this time focusing on just playing with the nipple. This experimentation continued until her mouth was the one on her breasts pleasing JJ with kisses, licks, and gentle biting until Emily felt a pressure on her shoulder. 

The brunette glanced up to see hooded blue eyes staring back at her. JJ was biting her lower lip, nodding her head as she continued to push Emily downward. The older woman just smiled and did as she was directed, moving down as she kissed JJ’s stomach, her tongue dipped into the blonde's belly button for a second and then quickly reached hips that were still covered in fabric. 

She reached up and tapped JJ’s hips in rhythmically impatient taps. She waited until the younger woman lifted her hips and allowed her to slip a finger under the panties and painstakingly slowly pull them off, going slow only to drive the woman under her crazy. Her plan worked because when she returned to her position above the blonde, she was greeted with legs already separated and glistening lower lips waiting for her tongue. But as much as Emily wanted to taste the juices JJ was producing, she wanted to continue the adventure she set off on earlier, which meant back to kissing. 

She kissed across hip bones, taking a second in the middle to breathe in the scent of JJ’s arousal, gleeful in the fact that  she  was the one who caused the blonde to be this turned on. She could just dip right into it and give JJ the satisfaction she was searching for by wiggling her body, digging her nails into Emily’s shoulders as if telling her to hurry up. But Emily wanted to drag it out, and so she did. 

The sun had set, casting them in the dim blue light of the moon, making the blonde’s body glow as Emily looked at her in amazement, seeing how beautiful the blonde truly was. Her fingertips gently touched JJ’s right inner thigh with a feathery touch, dragging them down to her knee and back up multiple times before repeating it on the left side. Then she did the same with her lips, each time getting closer to the younger woman’s center, making sure to gently blow air onto her lower lips to make JJ’s hips buck up. 

“Em,” JJ whined in a low growl. “Please.” 

Emily continued to play with JJ, kissing her on the mound above her center, not daring to go down further just yet. “Please what?”

“I need you.” The blonde took in a breath, trying to steady her heartbeat that was pounding from anticipation. 

“You need me… how?” Emily smiled evilly. She knew she was being mean, but she just couldn’t help herself. She wanted to try to be in charge for a little bit. 

JJ sighed angrily, her fist coming into contact with the mattress beneath her. “Emily Prentiss, if you don’t finish what you started...  I. Will.” 

Emily smiled as she saw JJ talk through gritted teeth, frustrated. She quickly found JJ’s roaming hands that were coming closer to finish the job Emily began and pinned them down onto the bed. She enjoyed the way JJ wiggled for a second more before settling down in a comfortable position and kissing the blonde's glistening lower lips. 

Immediately, JJ moaned, letting her body relax as she felt Emily’s tongue work its magic, pushing through her folds and lapping up the mess her body had produced during this whole process. She somehow intertwined her fingers with Emily’s, now squeezing them as she moaned while the older woman brought her closer to the edge. 

“Are you still okay?”

JJ nodded, unable to speak from the amount of pleasure that was flowing through her body. 

“Do you want me to keep going?”

JJ nodded again, this time whimpering. She was trying to keep her body from moving too much as to not hurt Emily, but the way the older woman was using her tongue against her center was truly driving her mad. It got to the point where she had to release Emily’s hands so she could grip the pillow at her head with one of her hands and grip Emily’s hair with the other, hips moving on their own accord into the brunette’s face. 

“ Fuck. ” She hissed, eyes rolling. “Do that again.” 

Emily followed orders and quickly flicked her tongue over the swollen clit. Her arms were wrapped around JJ’s thighs to keep them from slamming closed on her head, so she was purely using her tongue to try and give the blonde and orgasm. 

“Yeah!” JJ twitched, chuckling lowly. “Keep… keep doing that.” She purred, brushing Emily’s hair away from her face. “That feels good.”

Neither of the women were certain how long Emily had been flicking her tongue over JJ’s clit, but eventually JJ felt the coil in her lower abdomen tighten and then release, sending her into oblivion as her back arched and mouth fell open, silently riding her orgasm until it finished and she could finally breathe again. JJ shook with pleasure and Emily cleaned her up, licking up all the sweetness before crawling up JJ’s glistening body and kissed her neck as she came down from her high. 

Not that her relaxing lasted long, because soon Emily was on top of her again, their chests touching as they kissed. The brunette’s hands slithered back down to JJ’s still throbbing center, fingertips once again lightly brushing over the younger woman’s thighs. The blonde shuddered, her heart skipped a beat as her breath hitched. 

“Em…” She turned her face toward the older woman, eyes closed. Her arm wrapped around Emily’s neck, anchoring her to her side. 

“I’ll stop if you want me to,” Emily whispered, resting her forehead on JJ’s. She wanted to bring JJ to a second orgasm like JJ had done for her, but she didn’t want to push the younger woman too far. 

“What are you going to do?” JJ opened her eyes, focusing on brown ones. 

Emily smiled again, then gave the woman below her a peck on the tip of her nose. “Show you how good it felt.” She kept her fingers solely on JJ’s inner thighs, not daring to move any closer in case the blonde decided to call it quits. But to her surprise, the younger woman nodded, stealing a kiss from her. 

So, Emily began to do exactly what JJ had done, running her fingers through folds and teasing a clit. She pushed her finger inside an entrance and massaged the inner walls, all while listening to the way the woman beneath her moaned to identify the special areas to pay particular attention to. She kissed JJ’s neck while her fingers pumped in and out of her, feeling how JJ intertwined her hand in her brown hair to make sure she didn’t move. And as the blonde moved her hips, Emily followed her rhythm, making sure to keep a steady pace that would bring JJ the most pleasure. 

The younger woman, however, didn’t notice anything the brunette was doing, too lost in the haze of the feeling that was coursing through her body. She had never felt this amazing before, this special. No one had ever given her this much attention, to the point that she was built up so much she didn’t know if she  could  be quiet, much less if she even wanted to. But there was something more she needed, and she wasn’t exactly sure how to tell the older woman. So instead of speaking, she snaked her free hand down between their bodies and started rubbing her clit in fast circles, a moan escaping from her mouth. 

Emily noticed the sudden change in JJ’s level of pleasure as she watched the blonde touching herself, and as much as she wanted to continue watching the sexy scene,  she  wanted to be the one to make JJ cum again. So she pulled her hand out of the younger woman and carefully positioned her other hand above JJ’s head, so she could intertwine their fingers once Emily managed to get the blonde's hand away from her clit and above her head. She then went back down to JJ’s center and started doing the move JJ had shown her, smiling at the loud groan that resulted. 

“Emily…?” The younger woman said, making it almost sound like a question. 

“Yeah?” She kissed the side of JJ’s mouth, showing her how attentive she could be. 

“Emily…” JJ said again, this time in more of a breathy statement. 

“I’m here.” Emily kissed JJ’s jaw this time, slowly realizing that JJ wasn’t going to ask her a question, but just needed a response as a reassurance that she was, in fact, the one next to her. 

“Mmmm… Em.” A hip twitch. 

A kiss on the temple. 

“Yes.” A deep breath. 

A kiss below an ear. 

“ Fuck.”  A nose bump to get a kiss. 

A tongue running across a lower lip. 

“Faster.” 

Emily’s fingers obeyed. 

“Harder.”

More pressure was applied. 

“ Inside.”

Fingers slipped inside as a thumb pushed a clit. 

“Yes.”  It was hissed, head thrown back against the pillows as a mind was lost. “Yes. Faster.” Her hips moved against a palm, practically floating off the bed as Emily tried to hold onto her withering body. “Fucking yes.” 

It was all Emily could do to focus on what the blonde was doing and not lose her own damn mind, but she was smart enough to slip her leg over JJ’s to get some stimulation on her own center as the blonde’s movements were enough to give her the friction she needed, cumming quickly and quietly for the third time that night so she could keep a clear head for the other woman. 

And it was like JJ could feel the new wetness on her skin from Emily, because her back arched, limbs stiffening, and mouth parting slightly as she took a final breath. “ Emily .” She screamed, her body slamming down onto the mattress as her hips rolled and body twitched. Her heart beat so hard in her chest that she feared it would pop out of her skin. She was grateful for the anchor Emily provided her, or else she might have just floated away entirely if she couldn’t feel the brunette’s kissing as she came down from the high. 

JJ kept her eyes closed as Emily’s kissing turned into nuzzling, the younger woman’s body shivering slightly. “You’re cold. Let’s get under the covers.” They both scooted their way into warmth, Emily resuming the position she was in before they got under the covers, making sure they were both comfortable and toasty. She flinched though when JJ tried to wrap her right arm around the brunette’s back, making the blonde frown. 

“Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Emily said, trying not to lie. “I mean, I probably overdid it, but it was totally worth it.” She moved again, trying to find the most comfortable spot on her side. 

JJ noticed the movement and gently pushed on the older woman’s shoulder, making her lay back so she could cuddle into her instead. “Better?” 

Emily sighed, letting her body relax as the blonde molded into her. She nodded, loving the feeling of JJ against her. 

They were in the city of love together, they had just made love together, and Emily was pretty sure they were in love together as well. She mulled it over in her head and tasted the words in her mouth as the outside world darkened into a black sky, and the people slowly vanished from the street below and with it the noise. The world grew peaceful and she wanted to share the feeling with JJ. She wanted to share her thoughts and explain why her heart was beating so hard, why her lungs gasped when she felt those soft lips on her neck, those hands around her body. She wanted to bring the younger woman into this moment with her, but she was afraid. 

Emily didn’t want to burst the bubble they had created. But she wanted to tell the younger woman she is in love with her. And she knew she had to do it now, or soon at least because come tomorrow night JJ would be back on the plane flying to see the team, and she would be roaming around in Paris on her own with a new identity. She didn’t want her to leave and not tell JJ how she felt. 

So she opened her mouth, and what came out was unexpected for her. “You didn’t say anything.”

JJ lifted her head off of Emily’s shoulder slightly, eyebrows furrowed. She was trying to figure out where the older woman’s trail of thought came from. “What do you mean?”

What did Emily mean? She didn’t know. “The scars. You didn’t say anything about them.”

“I didn’t know I had to. I thought you would just want me to ignore them, considering they are the reason we are here…” The blonde trailed off, finding the branding in Emily’s shoulder and began to gently run her finger over it. “I kind of like them. Battle Scars. Kinda sexy.”

“Since when is getting stabbed and branded sexy?” Emily chuckled. The thought of saying those three little words were now a memory to her. 

“Well, not the bloody part, but the ‘I fought a crazy guy and almost won, here are the wounds I received and I’m still alive’ kinda way. It shows you’re tough and strong.” She stopped touching the scar, sitting up on her elbow to look into brown eyes. “It’s a turn on for me.”

“Being tough and strong is a turn on?” Emily raised an eyebrow. 

JJ nodded, biting her lower lip. “So is carrying a badge, gun, and kicking ass.” She smiled, seeing Emily roll her eyes. “Also, I kinda have a thing for brunettes.” 

“Oh, do you now?” The older woman smiled back at the blonde, opening her arms as the smaller woman settled back down to kiss her. 

“Mmhmm.” JJ broke the kiss to straddle Emily’s lap, the sheets falling off her back and pooling around her hips. “And there’s this one brunette, in particular, I  really  fancy.”

Emily laughed, looking up at the gorgeous woman. “Well, this must be one amazing person.”

JJ leaned down, her breasts touching Emily’s as their lips brushed together. “She’s the best,” she whispered.

They kissed, forcing years worth of pent-up emotions into one action over and over again until they each slowly began to fall asleep. 


	3. Chapter Three

JJ blinked as the sunlight began to shine through the window, her phone blaring. Her muscles were a little sore from the activities she participated in with Emily for half the night, but she felt oddly satisfied. Currently, they were still intertwined with each other, legs were interwoven as Emily hugged the blonde from behind, arms tight around JJ’s torso with her nose nuzzled into blonde hair. The older woman grunted, snuggling in closer to JJ as the phone kept ringing, and as much as she just wanted to continue to be curled up in bed ignoring the world, the blonde knew she had to answer the phone. So she reached for the device that somehow ended up on the nightstand, something she didn’t remember doing at all last night. She grabbed it and pressed the answer button, putting it to her ear as Emily tried to sleepily protest. 

“Jareau.” Her voice was thick with sleep, not knowing what time it was there in Paris or back home. 

_ “JJ, it’s hotch _ .”

“Yes.” She cleared her throat, trying to get her eyes to stay open for longer than two seconds. “Hotch, hi.” 

“ _ I take it you were asleep. _ ”

“Yes. Sorry, I know I was supposed to call…” she sighed, placing her free hand on her forehead. She wanted to get up and move into a seated position, but her arms were already out from under the sheets were cold and she didn’t want to disturb the sleeping woman cuddling into her more than she already had. “It was a long flight.”

_ “No, no. That’s alright. The pilot let me know when you landed. I’m just calling to say that the IDs will be ready at the hotel’s front desk in a few hours.” _

JJ took in this information, remembering that the only reason she and Emily were in Paris was so Emily could go in hiding  and that they were both currently naked because they didn’t know when they would next see each other and one thing led to another… she blinked her eyes forcefully, making her head clear a little bit. She didn’t have time to think about the choices she’d made that put her in this position. “What time is it now?”

“ _ For you? 11.”  _

“Looks like we missed breakfast.”

_ “Being up for 24 hours straight, during which you secretly got someone out of a hospital and immediately onto a flight for seven hours for a red eye, can leave you a little sleep deprived. Go get some lunch, I’ll have the front desk call when the package is ready.” _

“Alright,” JJ sighed again, now realizing how hungry she actually was. “Thanks, Hotch.”

“ _ JJ, keep her safe until then.” _

“I’ll try.” They both hung up the phone, JJ tossing hers back onto the side table with a clank, Emily jolting awake from the sound. “Sorry.” She mumbled, turning around to face the brunette. 

“What time is it?” Emily grumbled, burying her face into the pillow more, trying to hide from the sun in yellow hair. 

“Apparently, it’s 11.” JJ smiled, dancing her fingertips across the arm Emily slung over her body. 

“So we missed breakfast,”  Emily mumbled. 

“Well… I’m sure a gorgeous brunette who speaks French can convince the chefs to whip up some pancakes.” 

This drew the older woman from her sleeping position, leaning up on her elbow. The blonde responded to the movements by rolling onto her back, smiling up at Emily while the brunette smirked down at her. “Did you just call me gorgeous?” 

JJ laughed, reaching up to caress Emily’s cheek. The sheets had fallen away from the older woman’s chest, revealing red marked boobs in the areas where JJ had sucked on the skin while they made love. She tried to avert her gaze and look only into Emily’s eyes, but her vision kept darting back down to the evidence of what happened between them. She was sure she had red marks and bruises all over her body from the older woman, but nothing that was quite so in her face at the moment. 

She breathed, forcing herself to actually hold eye contact with the brunette. “Yes,” she whispered. “Because you are.” 

Emily’s smirk turned into a warm, welcoming smile as she took a beat to stare into blue ocean orbs before closing the gap between them, lips meeting for the first time that day. Her hand found its way to JJ’s chest, slowly running her palm over the breast and down the side, landing on a hip bone. She opened her mouth when JJ ran her tongue over her bottom lip, asking for entrance to deepen their kiss. Emily’s touch felt like fire on the blonde’s body, a trail of heat igniting her senses one by one with the sensation Emily was beginning to stir up. 

JJ didn’t want to stop what was going on between them, Emily’s touches and kisses making her feel almost dizzy from intoxication, but she could feel her stomach grumble in protest. They both needed to eat, which meant stopping what they were doing. 

“Em,” she said, breaking free of the lip lock. “We really should order something.” 

Emily nodded, but moved her mouth down to JJ’s chest. “Mmhmm.”

JJ licked her lips, trying to stay focused on what she was trying to accomplish. “Em, seriously.” 

“Seriously.” The brunette repeated, her voice muffled by JJ’s skin. She looked up at the younger woman when she heard a huff, noticing JJ was obviously getting annoyed. So she decided that instead of continuing, she would lay her head down on the blonde’s stomach instead, giving up her quest on making the woman underneath her moan. She didn’t know why she was trying to rush it anyway, they still had time together before they had to part, which means if JJ didn’t want to have sex right now, they weren’t going to. She sighed, relaxing into how JJ’s hands had migrated to her head to massage her scalp. 

“Are we going to get pancakes?” JJ asked, making sure to use the tips of her fingers to massage slow circles onto the pouty brunette’s head. 

“Yeah, that sounds really good,” Emily responded.

The younger woman nodded, giving Emily a wink before sitting up and looking at the floor for her clothes. She ignored Emily as she crawled back up the bed and flopped onto her back, letting out a grunt from the effort. JJ spotted their clothes just to the side of her and pulled her legs out from under the sheets, cursing at the coldness in the room. “Shit, why is it so cold in here?” She leaned down and scooped up Emily’s shirt, slipping it overhead head before grabbing her own underwear and putting them on. 

“Because we didn’t set it when we came in last night… is that my shirt?” She eyed the smaller woman, a slight smile slowly appearing on her face as she took in the sight of the woman of her dreams wearing her shirt that just covered JJ’s ass. “Why are you wearing my shirt?” 

“Because it looks better on me,” JJ said without missing a beat, picking up her own shirt and Emily’s underwear and threw them toward her. Then she got up, crossing the small room to reset the thermostat to something warmer. She spun around toward her luggage, suddenly having the urge that she didn’t feel clean, probably because it had been about 48 hours since she last bathed. From spending 8 hours at work to keep up appearances with the team before picking up Emily from the hospital and jetting across the sky to get the brunette into hiding in Paris, the idea of a shower had slipped her mind.  

Emily watched as the younger woman ventured over to her luggage to pull out a fresh pair of underwear and then over to Emily’s to pull out a sleek black button down. “Okay?” 

JJ, with the clean clothes in her arms, walked up to the woman who was still in bed. “I’m gonna take a quick shower while you order food.” 

“And you need my shirt to do that?” 

The blonde shrugged, “I still want to wear your shirt, just a clean one.” 

The brunette nodded after thinking it over and decided to let it be. But since JJ was halfway dressed, she might as well be too. So she grabbed the shirt that was in her lap that JJ threw at her and sat up slowly, wincing as she did so. She was overly aware of the younger woman watching her as she put both arms through the sleeves and than dragged the fabric over her head and down her torso, trying to keep a straight face. 

JJ, however, could see right through the mask Emily was so desperately trying to keep in place. “Are you okay? I hurt you last night, didn’t I?” Concern filled blue eyes, worried that she made Emily push herself too far. 

“Like I said last night,” Emily began, shaking her head while reaching out to place a hand on JJ’s forearm. “It is definitely worth it. And I’m just a little sore. That was far more exercise than what my body has been used to lately.”

JJ glared at the woman in the bed for a beat, trying to decide if she should push the matter further or just leave it be. She knew that unless Emily was actually willing to talk about something, trying to get her to open up was close to a nightmare. So she nodded and then reached for the phone on the side table, handing it to the brunette. “Pancakes, please.” 

Emily grabbed the phone she was handed and began dialing the front desk without another word as JJ slipped into the bathroom. She used her rusty French to navigate her way to the kitchen to order them some breakfast, arguing with the staff that it was only 11:30 so  _ technically _ it wasn’t lunch yet and the staff finally settled on them allowing her to order eggs, bacon, hash browns, and of course, pancakes. Although they thought the American ordering an “American” breakfast was quite ironic considering the breakfast they offered to her multiple times and she kindly refused, telling them she’d even pay twice the amount it was worth if they could just cook what she asked for. 

In the end, it all worked and she even got a bowl of fruit thrown in. They said it would take about 20 minutes, so she decided to finally slip out from under the covers. The room had warmed up so she had no issue walking around in just a T-shirt and the underwear she slipped on once she got out of the bed. Carefully, she stretched, not wanting to pull on her muscles or still-healing wounds too much. Her arms, abs, and thighs were certainly sore, along with her scars. But the scars and the rest of her body had different soreness, the scars being a soreness of healing and her limbs and stomach being of overuse. 

She didn’t mind the dull ache though, knowing what it was a result from. And  _ that _ certainly was something she’d happily be sore from for the rest of her life. And if her body could handle it right now, she would waltz into the bathroom and drag the blonde out of the shower just to hear those sweet moans fill the room a few more times. Everything about JJ was intoxicating, and Emily knew she would never be able to get enough of her mind, body, and soul, but she had to try and save some for storage for however long she’ll be in hiding. Emily smiled at the thought of having JJ back in her arms once she was done with the shower, and took her smile over to the window that still had its curtains open just a sliver. She reached up, wincing only slightly at the strange stretching sensation, and pulled the fabric to either side of the glass slider a little more to let some light shine through. 

The street below her was once again bustling with people darting in and out of the stores carrying various bags and other items in their hands. The cafe she noticed last night had a line forming just outside the door, customers walking out with cups in their hands and smiles on their faces, so she assumed the coffee was good quality. Maybe she would dash down there herself later and get her and JJ a small treat, if the timing and safety of her life allowed it. 

There were a few bottles of water on the table next to her where she was standing at the window and she reached out and grabbed one, opening the seal and taking a swig. It cooled her throat and quenched a thirst she didn’t know she had as she drained half the bottle, eyes glued to the fascinating world outside.  When she heard the bathroom door open she quickly turned around, taking in the sight of the blonde towel drying her hair and sporting the black button-down shirt she stole out of Emily’s bag. JJ only had a few of the middle buttons fastened, allowing skin to show in certain places when she moved, sending the older woman’s heart thumping from the beauty she was seeing. Even JJ’s legs were long, tan, muscular, and outrageously beautiful, making Emily’s mind completely stop working. 

“Can you hand me a water?” JJ asked, running the towel through her hair one last time. The shower she had done its job of making her feel clean, and even refreshed her some. However, she was still tired enough to have her thoughts muddled and it shocked her to find herself a little annoyed with how she felt as if the water washed all trace of Emily off of her skin. She could feel the touches and kisses being swept away as the brunette's scent was replaced with whatever body wash and shampoo the hotel provided. And even though she knew the physical marks of what Emily did to her body to send her into ecstasy were still there, she also wanted the feeling of Emily’s hands leaving trails on her skin like a ghost path straight into her heart. 

And now that she was done with the shower and in all sense and purpose clean, her nerve endings were humming at the idea of Emily being able to touch her again and create the sweet sensation that lasted even after the older woman’s hands had left. And so she tossed the damp towel back into the bathroom, she noticed how Emily just blinked at her. “Can you hand me a water, Em?” She asked again, more slowly this time. 

Emily’s mind snapped into focus at the sound of her nickname, sending her into a fury of panic as she grabbed an unopened water and quickly walked it over it the younger woman. She continued to take in the sight of the freshly showered woman, in complete awe of how gorgeous she looked minus all the makeup and FBI get up. When the blonde took the bottle out of Emily’s hands, older woman suddenly remembered another time when JJ did just that action before. 

_ “For you.” They were standing at the railing in the office of the New Orleans Police Department, utterly drained from the overwhelming summer heat the city had given them during their investigation.  _

_ “Oh, thank you.” JJ said, taking the cold bottle and opening it. “You read my mind. I don’t understand how it can be this dry when it’s this humid.” She took a sip of water just as the older woman did.  _

_ “You sweat all your fluids out and then come into bone-dry air conditioning,” Emily answered, trying to explain to the younger woman why they felt so defeated without making her sound like a know-it-all. Even if she kind of was one.  _

_ The younger woman raised the bottle, making a point. “Well then, I could just hook this up to an IV…”  _

_ Emily tried to keep from laughing. She found it humorous how the intelligent blonde was reduced to nonsense thoughts because the heat had begun to melt her mind. She loved seeing the blonde a little frazzled though, making her smile at the cuteness. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw Will, and her gut tightened. She knew JJ had feelings for him, feelings she wasn’t acting on and even though it might kill her, she wanted the blonde to be happy. “At least we have something fun to look at to keep us on our toes.”  _

_ JJ shot her a confused look. “What do you mean?”  _

_ The older woman nodded toward the man. “Lamontagne.” She watched as the blonde hesitantly looked over her shoulder at him, forcing a lighthearted laugh.  _

_ “Oh, you think so?” _

_ “Don’t you?” Her eyebrows shot up, testing the other woman. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she was hoping JJ would deny her idea, say she didn’t think he was attractive, that she wasn’t into him. She wanted JJ to turn to her and shake her head with her nose scrunched up like they were in elementary school and boys had cooties. She wanted JJ to smile and playfully tell her she thought  _ she _ has a thing, not him.  _

_ Instead, though, JJ shrugged. “Yeah, I guess he’s… he has a thing.”  _

_ Emily could feel her heart snapping in two, bleeding into her chest with every pump. She must have read the signals wrong, crossed different wires, got lost along the way, because JJ obviously wasn’t reciprocating her feelings. The younger woman was obviously attracted toward the man with the southern drawl. How could she not realize it, see it, before? The blonde wasn’t smiling at her because she likes her, she was smiling at her because they’re friends.  _

_ She swallowed the lump that was growing in her throat, making herself nod and play along, even though she felt a knife being jabbed through her chest. “Definitely a thing.” And for good measure, to make sure she herself knew JJ was completely out of reach, she pushed further. “You should go for him.”  _

“Everything alright?” JJ asked, tentatively, looking at her with her eyebrows raised. 

Emily dropped the hand she was still holding out, closing her eyes and shaking her head. The last line of the flashback replayed in her head:  _ You should go for him _ . What had she been thinking? If she had just kept her mouth shut, she might have ended up with JJ sooner. Right? 

“Em?” The younger woman was now on the edge of the bed, one leg tucked under her on top of the cream colored bedspread while the other leg dangled down to the floor. “Where’d you go just now?” Her red underwear was a clash against both the colors from the bedspread and the shirt she was wearing, a beacon begging Emily’s eyes to glance down at. 

Emily cleared her throat, successfully avoiding eye contact with the younger woman’s center as she backed up to the table, half leaning half sitting on it with arms crossed. The water bottle she was drinking out of earlier was still in her hand, so she set it down next to her on the wood and then re-crossed her arms, buying her some time. She looked down for a moment, collecting her thoughts as she was glad the woman across the room was letting her do so. Because when she was ready to speak, JJ’s understanding made it easier to look into blue eyes. 

“Can I ask you something?”

JJ didn’t hesitate in her answer, keeping her voice light even though Emily’s was thick with sorrow, confusion, and confrontation. “Of course.” 

It took Emily another pause before she was able to get the words out. “Did you go out with Will because I pushed you to, or did you actually feel something for him?” 

The blonde listened to the complicated question, letting it sink in as she nodded her head once, hooked wet hair behind her ear, and then licked her lips as she thought. The question rattled her a little, but ultimately she was expecting it, so she knew she had partly prepared for an answer. “I think I felt  _ something _ for him. Definitely not anything near what I feel for you or anything. But there was something there I guess. But I wasn’t…” She sighed, her fingers playing with each other as she looked down to the floor for a second before her eyes darted back up to Emily’s. “I wasn’t going to go after him because I thought you maybe  _ might _ have felt what I felt between us and I was willing to wait and see if anything happened.” 

The older woman nodded in understanding. “And then I told you to go for him.” 

The blonde shrugged, not exactly sure what she should be saying or if she should be trying to make Emily feel better. She wanted to make Emily feel better, but she didn’t know how to do that either. So she decided that telling the truth is the best she can do for the older woman. “I thought it was all in my head, that you must not have felt anything so I pushed it aside and went with him instead.” 

“And if I wouldn’t have told you to go for him?” Emily could feel her face turning to stone, the mask she wears when she’s trying to hide her emotions. If she allowed herself to, tears would be streaming down her face at the fact that she fucked up in New Orleans and could have been with the blonde sooner if she just  _ spoke up _ . But she didn’t and she kicked herself for not doing so, which is what is getting her so upset. She wouldn’t dream of showing that raw emotion to anyone, even JJ, though. Emily Prentiss was too tough to show any type of weak emotion like that. 

The blonde could see the mask Emily was putting on and knew what it meant. She could feel her heart start to ache like it does every time she sees Emily’s “tough mask” fall into place. She desperately wished the older woman was more comfortable around her, at least comfortable enough to show all of her emotions so they could work through them together. 

JJ chose her next words more carefully this time. “Then I wouldn’t have. I did see your face though, when we got back. How hurt you seemed.” She knew she was getting into dangerous territory with how honest and open she was being, but she couldn’t help herself. She was tired of having to close herself off from the brunette and finally decided to just let it all go, give Emily everything so she would know exactly what was in her head and heart. 

“You didn’t say anything.” 

JJ shrugged again, this time her voice quiet. “I didn’t know what to say.” 

“You could have said anything, Jay.” Emily’s voice was quiet now as well, but hers had a hint of desperation and fear, like she was afraid of that she was still silently begging JJ to say what she should have said all those days ago. 

But the blonde ignored this and barked a laugh instead, not believing what the other woman was saying. “Like what? ‘Oh, hey, by the way, I kinda have feelings for you but I didn’t know if you felt the same way and since you told me to go for Will I thought you didn’t so I went for him but now it seems that I read you wrong and that you’re actually upset I went for him?’ Yeah, that would have ended well.” Her voice was getting full of venom toward the end of her speech, heat going up into her cheeks as her anger level suddenly jumped up. 

A part of her was annoyed that she even had to respond with such a stupid statement, but another part of her understood why Emily had said that. JJ knew that she could have said anything, but she was just too scared to. So there was no point in her getting mad, especially for no reason, at this moment. And even though her annoyance at the conversation continued, the younger woman realized she was just as mad at herself as Emily was mad at herself. They were both frustrated with how long it took them to get to this point and they were both slowly letting it out in the from of little jabs and random prying questions, trying to figure out what’s going through their heads.

And as if on cue, Emily asked another random prying question, “So you don't regret dating WIll?” It made JJ stop and think about what Emily was actually asking. She looked up into brown eyes to see how uncertain the brunette was about everything, a little bit of her fear breaking through her voice even as she had her mask solidly in place. 

The blonde sighed, looking away from the taller woman across the room. She patted the mattress next to her, changing her vibe to a more calm and relaxed one. “Come sit.” 

The older woman turned her head to look out the window at the city below them instead of going to sit next to JJ. She felt that she needed time to think and it occurred to her that they weren’t that high up, maybe four floors at the most, but the ground beneath them seemed so much farther away. She remembered the elevator ride taking longer than four floors, but it was perhaps just the anticipation drawing out the seconds before they got into the room. Now, though, Emily could clearly see that they indeed weren’t that far from the ground, close enough in fact that she could still just make out the large words on the menu outside the cafe. With the way JJ was looking at her, she felt as if the blonde would still be able to see her even if she were one of the people outside the cafe. 

JJ allowed Emily to take her time in coming to her, letting her get lost in thought while staring outside for a while before clearing her throat to bring her back into the present. She watched as the brunette, still with arms folded over her chest, pushed off from leaning on the table and slowly walked over to the younger woman, folding her arms once she sat down, mirroring the woman next to her. Gently, JJ reached out to capture the older woman’s hands in both of hers, smiling when Emily didn’t pull away. 

Finally, JJ opened her mouth to answer Emily’s question. “No, I don’t think so. I learned how much I actually liked you. How strong my feelings are.” She spoke slow, drawing out each word as if she, too, wanted to understand what she was saying. “Do I wish I would have ended things sooner with him so that maybe we could have started before all  _ this _ happened?” She waved her hand around them and the room, smiling with one side of her mouth. “Yeah, kind of. But we’re here now and that’s all that matters really.”

She reached across to Emily’s lap, gently lifting the older woman’s hand to hold. She had put her water bottle on the ground when Emily was looking outside, so now she had her hands free to comfort the older woman if she chose to. JJ knew that having a soft grip on Emily would be needed for her next question, just to make sure the taller woman didn’t bolt after hearing a question that would require her to be extremely open. “Do you regret telling me to go for him?” 

Emily took a breath, contemplating her response. She was glad JJ had taken her hand, as she mentally used it as an anchor to keep her strongly in place. “No.” She said finally, swallowing as she looked down at the floor. Taking another breath, she hooked her hair behind her ear and finally looked at the blonde. “It made you unavailable and that made me want you more, to the point it was really hard to keep myself intact around you. I found myself trying to give you clues and if that’s part of what got us here, I don’t regret any of it.” She swallowed again, shaking her head before shrugging as she looked into joyful blue eyes. 

“I got your clues, Em.” JJ whispered, suddenly changing the topic slightly. “All of them.” 

This made Emily’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Wait, really?” 

JJ laughed. “Why do you think I held your hand on the plane? I was giving you the clues back.” 

The brunette chuckled along with the younger woman, shaking her head again as she touched the bridge of her nose. “I thought you were but I wasn’t completely sure.” 

With Emily’s eyes closed and face pointed down as she grimaced, JJ reached up to cup her cheek. She made the brunette's head raise, brown eyes meeting blue ones before both sets fluttered closed as JJ leaned forward. She captured the older woman’s lips with her own, proving a point while getting what she wanted. “How about now?” 

Emily smiled at the whispered breath that came from JJ after the kiss, making her nod while still keeping her eyes closed. Her hand reached up to tangle in blonde hair at the base of a neck, leaning close into JJ, voice just as quiet. “I can definitely tell you’re giving me clues.” 

“Mmm…” JJ laughed again, low and seductively. “Yeah?” 

Emily nodded, smirking, her eyes half open to see the blonde’s perfect face. “I think I might need some more though…” 

JJ smiled, both of her hands now on Emily’s cheeks as she rubbed her nose against the other woman’s. “You know, I think I need some more too.” She trailed off in a husky voice, letting Emily lead them into the second kiss. 

It was sensual and gentle, both of them taking their time as their lips formed perfectly, hands caressing bare thighs and cloth covered torsos. JJ was the first one to move, expertly swinging her leg over Emily’s lap and sat on top of her legs with her own hooked behind Emily’s body. 

Emily could taste mint coming from JJ’s mouth and it made her smile. The blonde must have snuck in her toothbrush and toothpaste when she was taking her shower, making her breath fresh for their next makeout session. She herself could taste stale, day-old breath from her own mouth and thought about breaking up the current moment to go freshen up as well, but JJ didn’t seem to mind as Emily continued kissing her. She did, however, move her mouth away from JJ’s so the younger woman didn’t have to suffer and deal with the horrible breath right in her face. Instead, the brunette kissed across a perfect jaw and down a slender neck until reaching a pulse point, lips expertly exploring the exposed skin. 

JJ chuckled as she tilted her head, exposing her neck more to the older woman. She moaned, her hands tangling in messy brown hair. It felt good to be in Emily’s arms and feeling her mouth on her skin. She soaked in the essence of the older woman, drowning in the intoxicating drug Emily was willingly handing her. Even if she overdosed, it would be a beautiful death that she would welcome with open arms if it meant she could stay here with the brunette forever. But as Emily’s tongue ran over the red mark and JJ’s hands began unbuttoning the shirt the older woman was wearing, there was a knock on the door. 

Reluctantly, Emily pulled herself away from the younger woman, leaning her forehead against JJ’s. “And that would be the food.” She placed her hands on the blonde’s hips and helped her keep her balance as she stood up. “I’ll go get it, since I’m the one that speaks French.”

The blonde laughed, stepping to the side to allow Emily to reach the door. She climbed back onto the bed and sat cross-legged as she watched Emily exchange with the hotel worker. She smiled up at the brunette when she wheeled the cart full of food up to the bed, biting her lip as she stared into gorgeous brown eyes. 

“What?” Emily said, picking up a blueberry from the bowl next to the pancakes and popped it into her mouth. 

JJ shrugged, and then slowly leaned forward on her hands, a smile on her face. “It’s super sexy when you speak other languages.” She sat up on her knees, raising her hands to clutch the shirt Emily was wearing in her hands, pulling the brunette down to her level. 

“Oh, really? You think so?” She allowed the smaller woman to pull her down, leaning her body weight on her hands that were placed on either side of JJ’s thighs on the bed. 

“I know so.” She tilted her head, capturing Emily’s lips in a passionate kiss that sent butterflies fluttering through both of their stomachs. 

Emily could feel her body moving down to touch more of JJ’s skin, wanting to be as close as possible to the other woman. But she knew if this continued they would never eat the food they ordered, so she pulled away from the blonde again and instead crawled on top of the bed next to her, handing her a plate of pancakes. 

They ate in silence, the hunger they didn’t know they had ignored consuming them once they got their hands on the meal. The food tasted good and went down easily, broken up only by a few giggles as they made eye contact while stuffing their faces. Once they finished eating, Emily rolled the cart out into the hallway and then jumped back into the bed to cuddle with a sleepy blonde. Emily could tell that the only reason JJ had even woke up in the first place was that of the phone call, but it was her hunger that kept her awake. But now that she was fed, her body was begging her to go back to sleep. 

“Wanna take a nap?” Emily asked as she laid down next to the woman whose eyes were already half closed. 

JJ nodded, scooting closer to the brunette as she sighed. She was the one to cuddle into Emily, lying on her side with her head on Emily’s chest, making sure to steer clear of the healing wounds but still gave each other the comfort they were looking for. 

Emily ran her fingers up and down the younger woman’s sleeve-covered arm, feeling JJ’s breath on her neck. How was she going to just let this woman out of her arms? How could she walk away from something she’s been waiting for for years? She couldn’t possibly let JJ walk out of her life now, not after everything that happened. 

And before she knew it, she was opening her mouth to ask JJ the craziest idea. “What if I go back with you?”

JJ’s sleepy eyes fluttered open as she gently lifted herself off of Emily, her face showing utter confusion. “What?”

“What if I go back with you? To hell with Doyle.” She looked into blue eyes, knowing she had to explain herself more. She sighed. “Jay… I just got you, and now I have to leave you.” Her voice faded toward the end. 

The younger woman pulled away from Emily, sitting up and running a hand through her still damp hair. A million things began running through her mind as she watched the way Emily’s face continued to be serious. “Em, you can’t. You’re here because your life is in danger.” 

“But Doyle thinks I’m dead.” 

“And I think you’re being stupid.” She snapped.

“How so?” Emily continued to lay on her back, finding the effort to move up into a sitting position to be too much for her exhausted, healing body. She did, however, keep her hand on the small of JJ’s back, not wanting to lose contact with her. 

JJ sighed frustratingly, closing her eyes to try and keep her anger in control. “Em, as much as I want to be with you, it’s not possible right now. The only reason Doyle thinks you’re dead is that he hasn’t seen you alive. If you go back to D.C. with me… it’s very likely he’ll quickly figure out you’re alive and try to kill you again.” 

The older woman was quiet for a moment, letting JJ’s words sink in. she already knew everything the blonde was saying, but for whatever reason, hearing her say the words made Emily really understand them. There was no way she could go back to the states and live. Especially not with JJ around her. But maybe JJ could be with her  _ here _ . 

“So stay here,” Emily said it matter-of-factly as if it was the only option they even really had. 

“I don’t think I can.” Her voice was soft, quiet, her hand reaching out to take Emily’s in a gentle embrace. It had dropped from her back when she said those words and she was glad the older woman still accepted her handhold after even though it looked like her world had just shattered. “Don’t you think it would be easier for you to stay in hiding without me around? One less thing to worry about that could get you caught.” 

Emily shook her head, refusing to believe that. “No, what’s going to get me caught is not being with you. I can barely go two days over the weekend without seeing or calling you, what makes you think I can go  _ months _ ? And it’s not like the team would miss you anyway  since the Bureau has mistakenly dismantled you from the team.” 

“How did you-”

“I overheard you talking to Hotch while you thought I was asleep in the hospital.” She shrugged, brushing it off. “Point is, I can’t, and don’t want to, live without you now that I know what it’s like to be with you. And I mean  _ really be with you _ , not just sexually, but… this.” She used her free hand to wave between them. 

“You really want me to stay?” JJ bit her lip, eyebrows raised but concern etched into her skin as she held onto Emily’s hand for dear life. Her heartbeat thumped in her chest for the split second she had to wait for Emily’s reply. 

“Of course.” 

JJ hesitated for a moment, looking down at the hands in her lap. The backs of Emily’s hands were smooth and soft, easy to run her fingers over. She hated the idea of leaving the older woman alone in a different country. Emily didn’t know anyone here, and if she did, she couldn’t talk to them at all without risking her cover. JJ also hated the idea of being apart from Emily. She, like the older woman, had spent so many years wondering what it would be like and slowly tortured herself by not making a move. Now, she just couldn't see herself stepping onto a plane and leaving her heart behind. She didn’t  _ want _ to do that. So JJ nodded her head quickly and then laid back down to wrap herself in the arms of the person she knew she was either beginning to fall in love with, or already was in love with. 

“Alright, then,” Emily chuckled, bringing their joined hands to her lips to kiss the back of JJ’s hand. She watched as the blonde laid back down, her eyes drooping again. “You take a nap and I’ll call Hotch to see if I can work something out. And don’t worry, I’ll use your phone.” 

The blonde smiled half-heartedly, nuzzling her face back into the brunette’s neck as sleep threatened to take her sooner or later. But there was one more thing she wanted to do before finally falling asleep. “Take a picture with me,” she mumbled. 

Emily smiled, kissing the top of JJ’s head. “We’ll take one when you wake up.” 

“I’m not going to take a nap until we take the picture.” JJ’s voice was groggy, but she continued to force herself to stay awake to prove her point. 

The older woman rolled her eyes, knowing well enough that JJ would stick to what she said and refuse to sleep until she got what she wanted. And it was because of this knowledge that she carefully reached for JJ’s phone and grabbed it, opening the camera app. She used her hand that was holding the phone to gently lift the sleepy younger woman’s face up to hers, both of them smiling at the new position. Emily nuzzled the blonde’s nose with her own and snapped a picture. Then, because she just couldn’t resist it, she kissed JJ and took a photo of that as well, knowing it would make the blonde smile when she saw it. 

Once she closed out the app and put the phone back on the nightstand, without making her body feel like it was being split in two, she noticed JJ was finally asleep. She watched the younger woman breathe for a few moments before realizing she herself wasn’t tired and desperately wanted a shower. Slowly and carefully, she pulled her arm out from underneath JJ’s sleeping from and rolled out of the bed, wincing at the movement. But once she was out from under the sheets she turned around and tucked JJ in, watching as she quietly cuddled into the pillow and comforter. Then, she went over to her bag that was on the floor and took out clean clothes and the small toilet tree bag, heading over to snatch the blonde’s phone and finally head into the bathroom. JJ’s damp towel was still on the floor from when she tossed it in the small room before their conversation, so she leaned down to pick it up after getting her items on the counter, and once again winced from the sharp pain in her body. She took a few deep, slow breaths and held onto the scar on her stomach, promising herself to do some light stretching before, during, and after having sex with JJ until she was fully healed. 

The towel got hung up to dry properly and then she turned around to face the mirror. She hadn’t seen herself in a few days and she couldn’t help but notice how rough she looked. Her cheeks had sunken in slightly as the bags under the eyes made her skin even paler than it usually is. Her hair was a mess around her entire head and her eyes basically screamed out how exhausted she was. She sighed at her reflection and then decided to move on. The next thing she wanted to see were her scars. 

She undid the shirt of JJ’s she was wearing and eyed the raw looking skin of her healing flesh. Both of the injuries looked redder and more swollen than they probably should be, but she figured that she just needed to take it easy the next few days and she should be fine. 

All in all, she didn’t look as bad as she expected. And as she turned on the water to take a shower, she began to find a part of herself that was actually glad she was stabbed, because, it ended with her being able to finally hold JJ the way she has dreamed about for years. 

And as she shimmied out of her underwear, she smiled. She was still trying to wrap her head around how she ended up in Paris in the first place, but she also knew that if she thought about it too much she would start spirling. And spirling is never a good thing, especially when it's  _ her _ mind doing it, which is probably one of the reasons that lead her to currently be staring in a mirror in a foreign country with her teammate and best friend sleeping in the bed on the other side of the door. She shook her head and then ran her hands through her dirty hair, breathing deeply. What she needed to focus on right now was a shower. 

She decided to use the same products JJ did that the hotel provided for them, a part of her turning into a giddy school girl at the thought of smelling the way the blonde smells. Even though it’s not JJ’s signature strawberry smell, it still  _ currently _ smelled like her, a fact Emily allowed herself to take comfort in. 

The hot water felt good on her muscles, allowing her to stretch and relax, feeling the steam open her lungs as she breathed it in. it still hurt to raise her arms over her head for long periods of time, so her hair didn’t get as washed as she’d like it to. A part of her wished she would have asked JJ to help wash her hair, but she knew the younger woman needed sleep. She remembered how many times she awoke in the hospital to find the blonde reading a book or dozing off in her chair that was positioned right next to her bed. Emily could only imagine the little hours of sleep JJ actually managed to get because even though the blonde told her Hotch had come every day for a few hours so she could go home for a shower and nap, and she had a hard time believing it since she only remembered waking to see JJ  and not Hotch.

If she hadn’t been so out of it from the drugs, she would have told JJ to go home for a longer chunk of time, out of respect for what JJ had to do on a daily basis. But deep down, she also knew she was glad it was JJ that was there whenever her eyes opened. It gave her a sense of comfort and safety knowing the other woman was watching over her when she was at her most vulnerable state. She smiled, remembering one of the dreams she had where JJ climbed into the bed with her and held her when the pain medication was out of her system and both of her injuries were screaming at her. Emily must have been whimpering in her sleep because when she woke up as the nurse came in to change her IVs, JJ had been holding her hand gently, smoothing her thumb over Emily’s fingers as she quietly thanked the nurse. 

Even when Emily was hitting the point in her recovery where she was awake more than she was asleep, the younger woman stayed by her side, watching bad cable TV and reading cheesy romance novels out loud to fill the silence when she was still too foggy-headed to see that JJ has feelings for her. No one in their right mind would have stayed as long as the younger woman did if they don’t feel some sort of way toward someone. 

Emily knew she couldn’t have realized it sooner, both of them too wrapped up in hiding their feelings for the other person, that neither of them could see what was so painfully right there. From all of the late night wine drinking to daytime hikes to randomly showing up at each others’ apartment with a box of pizza and a six pack of beer, it was a wonder this didn’t happen sooner. But, of course, for the past few years, Will had been a heavy black cloud hovering over them and they're hang out sessions. 

Did Will ever see anything? Notice anything or suspect at all? Or did he just write it off on them experiencing unique and strange situations that only they can really understand that forced them to be so close? What did JJ tell him was going on between them? What had she herself said to other people what was going on with them? Did anyone even look close enough at their long glances and whispered, secluded chats to even question that their relationship may be more than friends? She shook her head, making herself stop thinking so deeply, making herself stop spiraling before she got too out of control and barged out of the shower to wake JJ to talk about things that no longer mattered. She forced herself to focus on washing her body, making sure she didn’t aggravate the already angry healing wounds. And then she just stood under the stream for a minute, enjoying the hot water falling down her face without having various tubes sticking out of her and a person in scrubs at the ready in case she slipped. 

Eventually, she got out of the shower, feeling refreshed and clean. She hadn't felt this way since before the hospital and she took the time to fully dry herself off with the fluffy towel as she enjoyed her clean feeling body. Parts of her skin still had residue from the sticky tape they put on her to keep the IVs from being pulled out, but she ignored those spots for now. And before she slipped into some clothes, she addressed the wounds, taking all of the items she needed out of her toiletry bag. She had pulled off the white gauze the doctors placed on the scars yesterday before boarding the plane because she wanted her skin to breathe for a while, but she decided it would be best if she put some more on now. 

The stitches had already been removed, but that didn’t stop her body from feeling like they were still sewn into her skin. She applied the necessary ointment that would aid her in healing after measuring and cutting the new piece of stark white gauze, securely taping it into place with small pieces of special body approved tape. And once she was all protected with medical supplies, she carefully pulled her clothes on, turning her attention to her teeth and then towel drying her hair, leaving the bathroom once she was finished and packed up. 

She carefully opened the bathroom door and smiled when she saw JJ in the same position as before her shower. The blonde looked so peaceful and angelic, it sent Emily’s heart racing. She wanted nothing more than to wake the sleeping woman so she could pull her into her arms and kiss her until they both went dizzy from a lack of oxygen. She continued to watch the blonde breathe, seeing her chest move up and down in a rhythmic fashion. JJ’s eyes were moving under her eyelids, signaling to Emily that she was dreaming. The brunette hoped it was a good dream, and by the way, JJ’s hand grasped the air gently and her mouth twitched in a small, slight smile, she’d place a bet that it was. 

Emily could have stood there in that spot forever keeping an eye on the peaceful blonde when she was altered to JJ’s dancing phone on the side table. The younger woman must have turned it on silent mode after it rang so loud earlier that morning, making it now strongly vibrate across the top of the wooden furniture. However, there was no way she was about to let the small device bring JJ out of her slumber, so as quietly as she could, she lunged for the phone, making the vibrating sound somewhat duller in her hand. 

She backed away from the bed, noticing the blonde begin to stir in result from the commotion around her. The older woman looked down at the phone in her hand once she thought she was far enough away as to not disturb JJ, and she planned on just hitting ignore to make the call end, but then she saw the name flashing on the screen. 

_ Hotch _ . 

One of them had to answer the phone, Emily knew this. Hotch wouldn’t call unless it was severely important, like the information he had this morning. So not answering the call was not an option, especially since there was no way he could just magically send a team to Paris looking for them in worry that something was wrong. And since JJ was deeply asleep in bed, the only other person who could answer the phone was Emily herself, which was something she did not want to do. 

Yes, she did want to talk to Hotch about JJ staying in Paris with her, to see if there was any possible way  _ both _ of them could hide out here in the city. But she figured she would have had a little more time to think about what to say, plan out the exact words that would make him agree to the crazy idea. It was too soon, too fast, she wasn’t prepared for this important conversation. But the longer she let the phone ring, she knew the more worried the man on the other end grew. So, she sucked in a breath, padded her bare feet across the carpet floor to the slider and gracefully opened it to step outside and close it behind her. 

She didn’t allow herself time to think, just clicked the button to accept the call and then put it to her ear, holding her breath. 

It was silent between them for a beat, and then: “JJ?”

A weird feeling of comfort washed over her at the sound of his gravelly voice. It was familiar and trusting, a sound she knew she was going to miss. 

She carefully studied the background noise coming from his end, wanting to make sure it was safe. It was quiet behind him, so she declared that it was secure enough to talk. “It’s Emily.” 

“Is she alright?” His voice was quick, full of concern. 

“Yeah,” Emily sighed slightly, somewhat relieved he took her at her word. “She’s sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her so I took the call outside.” He was quiet for a moment, almost as if he was hesitating to say something and it made Emily feel uneasy. “Hotch?”

His voice responded in his usual monotone, but it was etched with a sharpness of seriousness Emily rarely heard. “You need to wake her up soon, Emily.” 

“Hotch, what’s going on?”

“Garcia has been tracking Doyle’s men in an attempt to find Doyle and she noticed that they are tracking us as well. No doubt to make sure that you’re actually dead.” He paused at the word ‘dead,’ he himself struggling with the idea of having to pretend that his teammate and friend is gone. “They have been able to pinpoint everyone on the team except for JJ. Garcia doesn’t know where you two are, but she said they have been sniffing around Europe, which means they won’t be too far behind soon.” 

Emily’s head was starting to buzz from all the information, but she forced herself to listen to what Hotch was saying. 

“The longer she’s there, the more likely they will track her down and essentially find you as well. The jet won’t be ready until eight, so you two still have some time to get the package and get you to a safe spot, but she has to be on that aircraft by eight.” 

Emily swallowed, her throat painfully dry. “Eight.” She repeated, her voice sounding small and distant. 

“Keep your head down for the next few hours. Stay safe.”

The call ended with silence in her ear, the screen fading to black on the cellphone. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard. The chance she had to ask if JJ could possibly stay here with her just went up in smoke, replaced by a blazing fire of danger and a solid brick wall. There was no way she could have even formed the words she wanted to after listening to the first few words that tumbled out of his mouth. She still needed to fully digest what was said to her, but she knew one thing was perfectly clear: JJ had to get out of Paris, and the sooner the better. 

She looked out across at the coffee shop down below and had to stifle a maniac sounding laugh. How could she have been so stupid to think JJ could actually hide out with her? Of course, it would be insanely dangerous for the two of them to try to play house in any city they ran to. Thinking anything other than that is just flat out absurd. Emily knew Doyle better than anyone, and she knew that he wasn’t going to stop looking for proof of her death even if it meant him strangling the life out of her already dead body. 

JJ needed to leave this country and Emily needed to make sure she would stay away and not try to find her again. She needed to push the younger woman away so far that there was no chance of her coming back. She turned back toward the glass slider, looking in to see the blonde still sleeping, now on her back with one arm above her head and her face pointed towards Emily. The older woman knew there was no way the front desk would give the package to anyone but JJ. But she also knew that given the choice, JJ would get the package and skip town with Emily, leaving the jet to take off on its own. So she needed a way to get JJ to get the package  _ and _ allow her to leave by herself. 

Suddenly, an idea popped into her mind. She hated herself for it, but she knew it was the only thing she could think of that would work. And with the idea in her head, she opened the glass slider door and stepped inside, feeling her heart shatter into a million pieces at what she was about to do. 

As quietly as she could, she began moving around the room. First, she put the phone back onto the side table where she retrieved it. Then, she haphazardly packed her things, mostly just shoving everything back inside her go-bag, trying not to leave any trace of herself behind. However, when picking through the dirty clothes that they left on the bathroom floor to deal with later, she grabbed the shirt JJ had worn, leaving hers behind. It was something the blonde would probably just chalk up to Emily making a silly, rushed mistake, but Emily knew exactly what she was doing. There was no way she was leaving the younger woman and not taking a piece of her with her, her heart already hurt enough as it was. 

Once she was all packed and ready to walk out the door, she again looked at JJ sleeping. She watched the blonde breathe, so peaceful. A pang of pain shot through Emily, knowing that when JJ woke up she would be confused and hurt, more than Emily could even imagine. But it had to be this way. She needed to keep the younger woman as safe as she could. 

She took a deep breath and searched for a pen and piece of paper, finding the items next to the hotel phone on the other side of the bed. She carefully made her way over to it, hands shaking at the last part of her plan. She had to bite her lower lip forcefully to make sure she didn’t let out a sob, tears blurring her eyes as she wrote. 

It felt like she was stabbing herself multiple times in her chest. She would rather be staked and branded by Doyle a hundred times over than write out the words she was jotting down. But this was the way it had to be, even if it killed her. And as soon as she finished, she put the pen down and ripped the note off of its backing, gently placing it next to the hotel phone, where JJ would easily see it after she woke up. 

Somehow, Emily refrained from reaching out and squeezing JJ’s hand, instead choosing to pick up her bag and walk out the door, letting it softly click behind her. She didn’t breathe until halfway down the hallway and didn’t dare cry until she was in the elevator. Even then she only allowed herself a few tears, quickly wiping them away before the elevator doors dinged open. 

She quickly entered into the lobby, heading to the front desk to give them instructions to call the room in two hours to wake JJ, and then left. 

She crossed the street, chose a table that was hidden from view of anyone above her but easily seen from the street, and waited as her heart broke into pieces even more. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

_ Jennifer,  _

_ There is no other way to put this other than I’m sorry. You were right, the best thing for both of us is for me to stay here alone and for you to go back. It is the safest option. Please understand, I just want you safe. The jet will be waiting for you at 8, you must get on it.  _

_ Meet me at the cafe at 5 pm.  _

_ You will always have my heart, Jennifer, and I will never forget Paris.  _

_ Please forgive me.  _

_ Emily.  _

JJ folded up the letter and shoved it into her back pocket. Holding it in her hands burned her skin.  Both her heart and mind were full of pain and anger, the fragile beating object in her chest splintering and falling apart, the sharp shards poking out and into her lungs. Each breath was agony as she tried to catch enough oxygen in her body to sustain vital organ function. All she wanted to do was lay down and cry as her broken heart spread its broken, jagged pieces throughout her veins. But she couldn’t do that.  She couldn’t even use alcohol to bleed her dry of these intense emotions because she was on the jet heading back home. The pilot said they were about three hours from D.C. and she saw no sense in break down now. She wanted to just make it through the flight and Hotch picking her up from the airport. It was bad enough that they had to wait to make sure no one was following her and that Emily got to the safe home in one piece, making them be delayed because they couldn't find the dark haired woman. She was forced to sit on the plane until word was said and this made her cranky because she knew they wouldn't arrive in D.C. until the sun was completely gone and all she wanted to do was be home. Once he dropped her off at her apartment and she was alone, then she would allow herself to turn puffy-eyed and snot covered for as long as she pleased. 

But until then, she made sure to lock everything away and toss the key into the back of her mind. Maybe if she pretended nothing happened between her and Emily, that is how her brain will choose to remember it. She just hoped Hotch had the better sense not to question how everything went. Obviously, she was on the plane and Emily was untraceable, so everything worked out. No need to snoop around and prod her for information. 

She spent most of the plane ride sitting on the not-so-comfortable couch, her back resting on the arm as her legs were tucked into her chest, body leaned against the back of the furniture. Her head just barely reached over the top of it, making it easy to rest her cheek on it while her eyes stared out the small window. At some point, the sun had risen and turned the sky from black to a pale, pool blue, but she had hardly noticed, her mind instead of going completely blank for giant chunks of time. And when she did realize she was staring out the window, she also realized her fingers were playing with the scarf around her neck. The scarf she had absentmindedly picked up off the floor and put on when she was packing. Emily’s scarf. 

A pang of pain shot through her chest, heartbreak ripping through her heart and breaking it into pieces again, making her almost cry out. But instead, she bit her tongue and clenched her fists, making herself breathe through the pain. She should just take the piece of fabric off, but a part of her is trying to cling onto the memory of Emily for as long as possible. She could smell the intoxicating scent of her lingering on it whenever she brought it close to her nose. 

If she took a deep enough breath of the scent, she could close her eyes and picture Emily here with her, both of them heading back to D.C. She could feel the older woman reach for her hand and intertwine their fingers. She could hear the strong, steady heartbeat of the brunette as she leaned her head on her chest while Emily brushed through her yellow locks. The warmth of her skin and feel of her muscular body, the way she breathed and smiled and laugh, she could remember it all and sense it all so clearly. She memorized everything about that older woman like every day would be the last day she would see her, talk to her. 

JJ could tell you the color of Emily’s shirt the first Sunday of four months ago and how she had her hair a year ago, but on the day it really mattered, she couldn’t even tell you if Emily smiled. She hadn’t bothered to try and commit every moment to memory because she didn’t think it was the last day, not after what Emily had told her.  _ “Stay here, with me.” _ Those words she could hear perfectly, but the sound of her moans were so distant it was like they didn’t even happen at all. 

The touches across her skin that left goosebumps and heat at the same time, did that even happen? Or did she just imagine it? Could the gentle lips on her neck just be a whisper from a ghost? Did she just dream of reaching the sweet ecstasy from nimble fingers or did it actually happen?

The past few days were such a blur filled with time gaps and confusion she felt like she was going crazy. The only thing she knew that is real and can intensely focus on is how a bomb exploded in her chest and left the shards of shrapnel piercing her heart. Every breath and moment ached like she was straining against battle wounds bleeding and she had to blink back tears as only one word came to mind: Emily. 

The cause for all this pain and empty soulness was because of the woman who smirked at her on the first day they met. That cockiness Emily tried to hide wormed her way into JJ’s heart and now she was paying for it. But like a drug, she would rip the muscle out of her chest to hand it over to the woman who crushed it in the first place because she’s never felt so loved in the way Emily made her feel for those few hours they had in the City of Lights. 

She felt another pang and once again swallowed her cry as tears stung her eyes. She wasn’t about to lose it on this plane, not when she was so close to home. The tears could wait until she was behind locked doors. So she turned her attention back to the sky out the window just for the cycle to start up again.

At some point, she must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew she was being gently shook as she blinked her eyes open, the jet pilot staring back at her. 

“We landed.” He said softly. 

JJ couldn’t tell if he could sense that something was off about her. But she figured it was just him wanting to finally get home after a long trip, something she now wasn’t sure she wanted to do herself. Either way, she stood up, grabbed her bag, said thank you to the pilot, and got off the plane. 

It didn’t take her long to see Hotch waiting for her, looking as serious as ever in the setting sun. What day was it? She felt so sleep deprived, even though she knew she probably got about six hours of sleep between sex with Emily and when the front desk called and woke her up. Minus the hour or so her shower and breakfast took, she did get some solid amount of sleep at least. Although, she didn’t know how long the flight from Paris took, or how long she slept on it. All she knew was that there was an exhaustion that filled her head and ran through her body, and seeing Hotch standing there next to the black SUV made her feel it even more. 

She couldn’t even muster the energy to nod, just fishing her sunglasses out the front pocket of her go-bag and slid them on, not saying a word as she passed her boss. Luckily, for her, he must have assumed she had a hard few days and decided to drown out her sorrow with some alcohol because all he did was slip into the driver's seat and began heading toward her apartment.  And with the deafening and haunting silence waiting for her there, Hotch thinking she was hungover was the last of her problems. 

How was she going to get through the next few days without going completely insane? She wasn’t quite sure how the next few days were going to go. There was no way she could simply just move on with her life, not after everything that happened. But how could she not? Emily wasn’t here but a massive void was. And this void was bigger than anything else she’s ever dealt with, so filling it was going to be a challenge, one she wasn’t exactly sure she was prepared for. 

Right now, she was just glad that her companion was silent, not attempting to make any sort of small talk or conversation at all. JJ hated small talk anyway. Small talk was reserved for people she didn’t like or had no interest in talking to. Small talk was definitely not for people who spent hours on end together bonding over horrific experiences. Her teammates learned a long time ago that if she were going to speak and contribute to a conversation, it was going to be worthwhile. She wasn’t sure, yet again, if Hotch could pick up on her non-communicative mood, or if he himself didn’t have anything to say either. Whatever the case, she was glad for the lack of communication, and even gladder when Hotch flicked on the radio so at least they had sound filling the car.  

Her arms were folded across her chest as if she was protecting herself, as her gaze was directed out of the window. Her eyes were registering everything she was seeing outside, all of the familiar streets and shops, but her mind zoned her out, forcing her thinking process to shut down until they reached her apartment and Hotch finally spoke. 

“Take the rest of the week off. Come in on Monday.” 

She slowly turned her head toward him, one hand on the car door handle as the other grabbed hold of the strap of her go-bag. “What day is it?”

“Wednesday.” He clicked the unlock button on the driver’s side door, allowing her to open the passenger’s door. “Get some sleep. See you on Monday.” 

She nodded, then climbed out of the car. Autopilot kicked in as she found her keys in her bag while walking up the steps to the front door. She smoothly put the key in the lock and turned it, opening the door before turning around to wave at Hotch as he drove away. Quickly, she slipped through her threshold and closed the door, leaning on it with her back. The bag dropped from her hand to the floor, her mind beginning to spin. It’s only Wednesday, Wednesday night to be exact. What was she going to do for four days without work to distract her? 

Somehow she slipped out of her shoes and dropped her keys in the bowl by the door and padded her way to the kitchen. She opened the fridge and grabbed a beer, twisting off the top so she could take a long swig. Once she had gotten through half of the bottle, she set it down on the counter, feeling the cold liquid splashing into her empty stomach. She knew she couldn’t just have alcohol as her meal, so she pulled out her dead phone and plugged it in, glad she invested in extra chargers for each room of her apartment. 

She stared off into space, trying to silence her mind until her phone chimed, signaling that it had enough juice to operate. She kept it plugged in while scrolling through her contacts to find her favorite Chinese take-out delivery service and ordered her usual meal. When everything was set and the man on the phone said she had about a 45-minute wait, she put the phone down and finished off the beer before heading toward her bedroom. The alcohol was already beginning to flow through her veins and started to hit her mind, making a numb, tingling feeling begin to set in. 

She once again settled into autopilot as she gathered up some fresh lounge clothes from her closet and wandered into the bathroom. She wanted to take a shower to wipe Paris off of her and as she stood in the shower, she let the water run down over her face and body, the heat stringing her skin as the water temperature almost burned her. But she didn’t dare set it any colder, wanting all of Emily’s touches to sizzle off of her body and combine with the steam filling the small room. She liked how the slight pain from the water replaced the gentle caresses the older woman had left on her skin.

And just to make it official, she washed her body twice, making sure to scrub the areas Emily paid the most attention to until they turned red and tender, half of them being slight bruises from her lips. But JJ no longer wanted the trace of the older woman anywhere on her so she continued to wash over the bruises, using the pain as motivation. And once she felt satisfied with her raw looking skin, she moved onto her hair and scalp, scratching at the roots of her hair to replace the feeling of Emily running her fingers through her blonde locks with the feeling over her own hands rubbing circles and scratching her scalp for cleanliness. Then the conditioner came, draping it thickly over the strands in an attempt to heal some of the damage she gave her hair from the intense washing.

She only stopped attending to her deep clean when the water began to run cold, making her quickly wash her face and then shut off the facet before she completely turned into an ice cube. JJ wrapped the towel around her wet from, pressing it tightly against her chest as she used her right hand to smear the mirror clear of the fog. She took a long look at her wet face and hair, seeing the dark circles under her eyes. They had grown significantly darker since she woke up in Emily’s arms. They were so dark and deep, they made her bright blue eyes turn a shade darker, making them lose their spark and show the true heartache she was dealing with. Water sprang into her vision, blurring the world around her as her feelings bubbled to the surface, despite her attempt at shoving them down once she realized how hurt she actually was. 

As much as she didn’t want it to, having Emily ripped from her split her heart in two and as much as she was trying to ignore it, she was bleeding out. There was no way she could just ignore the pain she was feeling. It hurt her to the core and her soul felt like it was shivering up from the amount of pain that was being pumped through her mind and body. The thought of never being able to talk to her or see her again hurt just as much as Emily leaving her and telling her it wouldn’t work out. Twenty-four hours ago she had no idea she would be back in her apartment, staring at her reflection and wondering what happened, wondering if there was something she could have done to keep the older woman within her reach. 

Maybe if she wouldn’t have fallen asleep, then she would have been able to catch Emily second guessing everything and stop her from making the heart-wrenching decision. Maybe if she had woken up before Emily had left, then she would have been able to physically stop her from leaving. Maybe if she didn’t let Emily leave from the table, then she would have been able to hold onto her hand and drag her back with her. 

Deep down she knew none of these scenarios would have actually worked out. Emily had made up her mind, and there was no changing it. Only a miracle can change Emily’s mind, and there was no way the universe was going to be on her side that day. So instead, she woke up to the front desk calling her and the note on the pillow next to her. She read it multiple times, trying to understand what was written. Even as she collected her things she still couldn’t comprehend what Emily had meant. The words were simple enough, but they were also completely complicated. It had her head confused and her mind running in circles trying to figure out the exact moment it went south while she threw everything back into her bag.

A part of her was even convinced that she could bring it up with the other woman, force her to explain why and how she came to this decision. But once JJ got down to the lobby and picked up the package Hotch had sent over and felt the weight of the multiple new identities Emily could choose from to disappear, she understood the seriousness of the situation and had a hard time figuring out an alternative plan they could have taken. A different road they could have gone down without being captured and killed. There wasn’t one. 

And as she crossed the street to the little cafe that Emily told her to meet her at, she could see the fear the brunette had that she hid earlier. Just sitting outside in a city that didn’t know her and she was terrified, it was etched into her face and showed in her stiff body movements, eyes darting quickly around her in an attempt to see a threat before it approached her. JJ knew she would have only a few fleeting seconds to connect with Emily and she had to come up with a way to somehow keep their communication open. And that’s when she remembered the scrabble, quickly grabbing a deserted receipt and pen, scribbling a username down on the thin paper she hoped wasn’t taken before sitting down at the table and sliding the package over to Emily, the paper slipped into it. 

Now, JJ continued to stare at herself in the mirror, remember how she hopefully downloaded every version of scrabble she could find in the App Store and inputted her username, waiting for the ding that she had a friend request. She didn’t let herself think of the negative of what just happened, even after calling Hotch asking for the directions to the jet that would take her home. She didn’t allow herself to think of any of it until she was sitting on the plane, surrounded by the quiet and had her thoughts bombarding her to the point she stared out the window just to shut them up. 

A fresh wave of pain washed over her, her mind finally letting all the hurt come to the top as her hand covered her mouth as she sobbed, eyes shutting tightly while tears escaped. It felt good to cry, but at the same time, it just made her hurt more. But as her body shook with each sob and her breathing became sharp, she found that she couldn’t stop the process, choosing to just ride it out until she felt as if she could possibly breathe normally again. When she was finally done, she felt like a truck had run over her, and now she had a headache. The pain was still sitting in her chest and her body now aches from the effort it just had to put forth. She silently cursed anyone who ever told her that crying makes you feel better because currently it just made her feel worse. Before she could begin crying again, however, she dried off completely and slipped her clothes on running the towel over her hair to dry it and then took her brush to gently comb out all the knots she created. 

When she was satisfied with her half-hearted attempt to pull herself together, she ventured back into the kitchen to fetch another beer. However, right when she opened the door, her phone chimed with a sound she never heard it make before. At first, she was confused, her sleep-deprived brain trying to figure out what the notification was related to. When she picked up her phone to see a friend request from one of the scrabble apps she downloaded, she understood. She clicked on the message and allowed it to take her to the friends part of the app, seeing the friend request coming from someone named “BlackParisBird”. She squinted at it for a moment, thinking. It could have really only been from one person so she hit accept, started a new game with them and placed the word “HI” on the board, getting some points.

She put her phone back down on the counter and returned to her hunt to find more beer when it chimed again. This time, she got the alcohol and opened it, taking a swig, before returning to the mobile device. She had a new message in the app. Clicking it open, she jumped up to sit on the counter, wanting to sit but still charge her phone. Once the screen loaded, she could read the message. 

BlackParisBird:  _ didn’t think you would accept my friend request that fast. Aren’t you supposed to be on your way to your new assignment? _

JJ read the little black words on the screen and felt her heart jerk. How could Emily just start up a casual, normal conversation with her after the way things ended, or, didn’t end? What did Emily expect her to say back? Was Emily really trying to engage her in small talk?

Frustrated, she wanted to toss her phone across the room. She didn’t want to talk to Emily right now, not when she was so confused and hurt and had no idea what was going on between them. JJ made her feelings for Emily completely clear in Paris and she had gotten her hopes up just to have her heart crushed in a matter of seconds, so why should she even talk to the other woman right now?

_ Because she’s in a city by herself, pretending to be dead, and running for her life. You’re literally the only person she  _ can  _ talk to right now, _ JJ thought, cursing her mom for raising her to be considerate of others. For once, she wanted to just be so mad at someone that she chose to just ignore them without her conscience and head screaming at her to give them the benefit of the doubt. And this time, she chose to stick to what her mom taught her and typed out a simple message back. 

CheetoBreath: _ I got a call before I boarded the plane that the paperwork didn’t go through so I’ll be staying with the team. _

She put the phone down, drinking from the bottle again as she waited for another ping, 

BlackParisBird:  _ well, that’s good news at least. Are you back at work now? I’m not sure of the time there… _

JJ rolled her eyes. She wanted to yank her hair out at this conversation and it’s challenge to her emotions. Playing scrabble with Emily and keeping her long distance company and helping her stay somewhat connected to her life was one thing, but actually having to have a conversation with her was going to be extremely difficult. 

CheetoBreath:  _ it’s about 7 here. And I got the rest of the week off, I’m really tired from the travel.  _

BlackParisBird:  _ travel is difficult on the body with the time difference, get some sleep. Goodnight, Jennifer.  _

This time she was truly ready to toss the phone. She held it tightly in her hand, clutching it to her chest as her other hand that was holding the beer moved up to her mouth, trying to contain the sob as if the other woman could hear her. She could just hear Emily’s voice saying her name, how silky and smooth and rough it always sounded. It played in a loop in her mind until she was struggling to breathe, struggling to once again comprehend what had happened between them, how she was going to move on. 

She needed to clear her head. But how? More beer sounded like a terrible option, but she went for it anyway, grabbing another bottle out of the fridge and popping it open. This one she nursed, letting the liquid slowly turn warm as she picked at the label and debated on messaging Emily back. She picked up the mobile device a few times, even opened the app backup, but eventually put it down on the counter with a sigh. She didn’t know what to write back. What was appropriate? How could she just have a casual, mundane conversation with this person who crushed her heart? 

For the last time, she picked up the phone and entered into the app. The message screen glowed in front of her, beckoning and demanding she reply to the message she kept reading. She decided being polite was the only option she could go with and after ten minutes of contemplating, she finally wrote back. 

CheetoBreath:  _ thank you, I will try. Goodnight. _

She hit send and stared at the screen, watching the message go from “sent” to “read” in a matter of seconds. Emily didn’t respond back, assuming the conversation had ended, to which it had, in her viewpoint. JJ on the other hand suddenly felt enraged. How could Emily just act like everything was fine between them? How could she just not care about what happened? 

The rational side of JJ’s brain knew that whatever the other woman typed onto the screen had no way of showing her if Emily was in fact as torn up about everything as she was or not. They were just little letters on a device that communicated to her something with some form of meaning, nothing more than that. And she knew from experience that Emily was very good at hiding her emotions and whatever she was thinking, even in person. It took her  _ years _ to figure out the small tells in the brunette’s face and body language to even get a  _ clue _ to how she  _ might _ be in somewhat of a bad mood. But over the phone via text? It’s impossible to know if Emily was feeling anything because of how monotoned she kept her side of the conversation. 

So JJ’s anger must be coming from somewhere else, considering she couldn’t possibly know what Emily was thinking or feeling. Could it simply be from her heartbreak? Or was she mad about the fact that she didn’t try hard enough and just left to get on a plane? Either way, being angry was better than crying her eyes out so if her mind wanted her to lean on the counter and fester in total irritation, then so be it. She took a long swing of the warm beer and slammed the empty bottle on the counter, shattering it. 

She sighed, looking at the mess she created, her anger quickly dissipating and forming into utter annoyance at what she did. She was thankful that she drank all the beer before breaking it into pieces since there was no liquid seeping anywhere, but she was still way too sober to deal with any of this. Yes, she could feel a slight buzz flowing through her, but it wasn’t enough to make breaking a bottle worth it. 

She quickly went to get a rag or something to collect the smaller shards of glass that sprayed across the counter before picking up any of the pieces. Just when she put the rag down to start to push everything into the middle of the mess, her doorbell rang. There was confusion, and then she remembered the food she ordered and grabbed her wallet while heading to the door. Unfortunately, it was her neighbor who gathers her mail whenever she has to leave on a case, and not her food. She thanked the girl, a young spunky redhead with a cute smile and apologized for having to deal with her being a flustered, tipsy mess and then closed the door, heading back into the kitchen. 

The food and mail went off to the side and set onto the counter as her attention went back to the broken glass. She managed to pick out about half of the bigger chunks before misjudging the distance of her hand and the piece and slicing her hand. 

“Fuck!” She yelled, hissing as she pulled away from the item that caused her pain and hastily grabbed the rag next to her. It was only after applying it to the wound that she remembered she originally used it to sweep up the smaller shards before retrieving the bigger ones. She sucked in a breath, hissing again when she pulled the rag away to see a piece of one of the smaller pieces of glass now stuck in her skin. This time when she put a cloth to the wound, she reached for a nice dish towel she knew hadn’t touched the glass at all. She gently placed it in the cut, pressing slightly to see if she could stop some of the bleeding before attempting to retrieve the glass from the side of her palm. 

She closed her eyes and cursed at her own stupidity. She should know to be more careful around beer bottles, considering how clumsy she gets when drinking. But she allowed her anger to control her body and it ended up resulting in her bleeding from her left hand. She wanted to check the wound, but also didn’t want to look at it right away, so instead, she wrapped the dish towel around her hand to be able to clutch it in her fist and ventured to the food. She was grateful for the amount she ordered, taking a deep whiff of what she was going to have as leftovers for the next few days. 

She was about to dive into one of the plastic bags filled with take-out Chinese boxes when there was a knock on the door. She hoped it wasn’t her neighbor back to say that she noticed the blonde was upset and was wondering if she needed to vent a little. JJ braced for the worst when she turned the handle and opened the door, babying her left hand that was still wrapped in the towel. 

The person in front of her was someone she never expected to see tonight or any night for that matter. 

“Will.” 


	5. I'm So Far From Home

Emily could feel the ice cold metal of the fire escape pushing into her back as she leaned against it. She suddenly felt like a teenager again, trying to sneak out of the house using her second story window and a nearby tree, avoiding getting caught by her mother or the guards. But instead of what she would do as a teenager, she wasn’t escaping. Not really. 

She had only come out here because she needed air, the room she came from felt too hot and stuffy like she was going to suffocate. So much so it was hard to breathe and think, her mind moving sluggishly as it was stuck in the same thoughts over and over as if in thick mud-like cement. She needed to clear her head. Or  _ attempt _ to clear her head and the only place she could think of doing that was outside in the night air. She wasn’t sure if the winter chill was working to wipe her mind of the intrusive thoughts though, as much as she willed it to. Someone might have even said she practically begged for her mind to be in silence, but deep down she knew it probably wasn’t going to happen. 

Emily hadn’t even been alone in Paris for 24 hours and she had already bought a pack of cigarettes and was outside on the fire escape, smoking her third one of the night. She had one earlier, right after she bought them and before slipping into the bar. But she’s had one just sitting here now, which obviously didn’t do much to help her which is why she lit up the next one, bringing the total to three. It was something she hadn’t done in a few years, anxiously depending on the drug that lived inside these sticks of cancer, but she felt as if she needed the safety of them, even if that safety was false. The familiarity of it gave her a sense of safety, and for now, that was fine with her. 

She took a drag from the object, holding it in her lungs for a beat before slowly blowing it out of her nose first, then her mouth, watching the smoke swirl in front of her. She licked her lips and crossed one leg over the other, feet getting chilled by the coldness outside. The metal of the fire escape was starting to leave indents in her skin, even though her clothes, her skin beginning to ache from the hard steel structure that was cold to the touch and caused her to shiver when she rested her hand upon it. It was colder here than in D.C., the white blanket covering everything making that fact extremely apparent. She took her free hand that was resting next to her on the metal and used it to brush off the white powder that was collecting next to her on the railing and immediately regretted it, her skin turning a bright red. 

In order to combat the frozen feeling she was beginning to develop in her bones, she used the hand that was currently turning into an icicle from touching the snow and hugged herself, trying to create some warmth for her core. Next time she ventured outside in the middle of the night for a smoke she would make sure to wear more than just sweats, socks, and a sweatshirt, as the thin fabric did nothing to protect her still healing body. She would have put more clothes on if she had more with her. But since she hadn’t gone shopping yet, she was stuck living out of whatever was leftover in her go-bag. It was the same bag JJ had kindly helped her pack before boarding the plane to leave her old life behind.

_ JJ _ .

The word sent a pang of pain and guilt shooting through her chest, stealing her breath. When she regained the ability to breathe, she put the cigarette to her mouth and took an extra long drag from it, replacing the feeling of pain with the feeling of suffocation. The blonde was something she didn’t want to think about right now, hence the other woman currently in her bed asleep. She forbade herself from running inside and grabbing her new phone to boot up the app and talk to the younger woman, even though she knew JJ would still be up and willing to talk to her, no matter how much pain she was feeling. 

No, she wouldn’t do that. And she wouldn’t think about her right now, either. Right now she focused on the world below her, the one that she now had to consider her new world. Through anybody else’s eyes, it was beautiful, magnificent even. But to her, it was a torture chamber disguised as something wonderful. With its sparkling lights and laughter filled the air, it’s pure essence haunted her far more than she would like it to. Just glancing down below her to see tipsy, smiley couples walking arm in arm down the street made her stomach twist. She wasn’t exactly bitter, or jealous even, but she was something. It was mostly anger that coursed through her body and tingled at her fingertips. Anger toward herself and anyone else who contributed to putting her in this awful position. She could even feel some anger directed at JJ for walking away, even though she had told the younger woman too. But a part of her thought, hoped, that JJ would choose to stay, which is what is destroying Emily right now. 

Because, of course, that didn’t happen. And now, Emily was walking in the wounds she created for herself as she stubbed out her cigarette and lit a new one, the old one going in a disposable cup she picked up at the bar. It was the second place she went to after getting her new identity, the first place in the apartment. In the package, she had gotten from JJ while at the cafe had the keys to this place, along with a new smartphone (the one she eventually used to sign up for the scrabble app that allowed her to communicate with JJ), an ID, passport and some cash. She had followed the directions enclosed in the envelope with the key and ventured off to her new life on foot to the apartment she had been assigned to live in. 

It had always been her instincts to look around at the place she would be spending her foreseeable future in, noting a few of the shops she would probably have an eventual interest in. She had done it with all the places she landed for various reasons whether that be from her jobs or her childhood with her constantly moving family. This place, like so many others, naturally had a coffee shop, a particular one that sold what looked like to be delicious pastries, a flower shop, a used bookstore nestled in between the coffee and flowers, small and quaint clothing stores, and a bar that happened to be placed right below her space of living. The bar she could definitely see herself spending time in, which was already a true statement, considering what she was now using for an ashtray.  There was also a small park with a little pond, now frozen over from the weather and populated with ice skaters, big looming trees to provide a lot of shade, and the right amount of benches for everyone who wandered through it to sit and relax in the fresh air. And to top everything off, around the corner, just past the park, was a farmer’s market that would provide her with all the fresh food she needed to eat in order to survive. 

All in all, it was a nice street, slightly on the small side and at times too crowded, but so far her neighbors had left her alone, so it wasn’t  _ completely  _ horrible. Not exactly what she would have chosen for herself, but beggars can’t be choosers, especially when they are running for their life. 

She once again looked down at the white ground through the slots in the railing, noticing how the element that had turned the earlier sounds of stomps to the sounds of a soft, dull crunch. It had started snowing during her exploration of the new place, a light wisp of whiteness in the air that circled around her and landed in her eyelashes. Usually, she liked snow. She felt a strange form of comfort from it. But here, in this strange city, she didn’t like it. She didn’t like the way it danced and fluttered with its insistent need to cover every single thing in its path. She didn’t like the extra chill it brought or the way it dulled the world in a way she used to think was magical. And she especially didn’t like how everyone was treating it as the most romantic thing to take pictures in.

She didn’t get comfort from it at all. She felt sorrow, a sorrow that filled her chest and weighed her down so it was hard to move, her mind turning sluggish as she tried to think with this heavy burden falling onto her. The beauty of the freshly fallen snow only made her want to cry because looking at it made her think of how much JJ would have liked it. If she would have stayed. If she would have told her to stay. 

Her nerves once again buzzed to get ahold of her phone to send JJ a message, something to let the other woman know her heart was crumbling. The younger woman would still be awake, no doubt. Right? It couldn’t be too late in D.C… What time was it for  _ her _ ? She didn’t check the clock before she slipped out the window to sit out here. But, whatever time it was, she didn’t care. She had already promised herself to only text JJ if she responded back. Emily had gotten the initial conversation going, the initial opening of the door, now it was JJ’s turn to speak up if she wanted to talk, no matter how long that would take. 

Emily tried to ignore her head again as she took another long drawl from the cigarette burning in her hand, holding it in her lungs until they burned and begged for air. She let the smoke go with a sigh, snuffing out the butt and placing it with the previous one. She could light another one up, but she felt it was a good idea to limit herself, lest it got out of hand. One thing she didn’t need to deal with right now was a nicotine addiction, so might as well nip it in the bud now. 

She started out in front of her, now using both of her arms to wrap around herself, almost curled into a ball, whether to keep warm or somehow hide from the world, she didn’t know. What she did know was that she wished she wasn’t here. She wished she was back in the arms of the loving blonde, cuddling into her and watching the snow fall from the warmth of a bed they shared. She once again got a pang of pain in her heart, making her wince. She let it pass, putting her head in her hands, fingers tangled in slightly greasy hair as she breathed, eyes closed. 

They flashed back open in a panic when she heard a spike of laughter, one with a familiar melody. Her stomach dropped as she quickly stood up, leaning over the rail to see a blonde sitting on the ground in a strange position. The woman took a deep breath and then laughed again, the sound making Emily’s heart stop. It wasn’t until the man that was with the crazy woman came into view to help her up did her heart began to beat again and she released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. The woman, although eerily similar, was not JJ, but rather just a blonde who happened to have too much to drink and slipped, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. 

Once the pair were out of sight, Emily covered her face again with her hands and chuckled in disbelief at herself. She then ran her fingers through her semi-damp snow hair and attempted to collect herself. She let the white powder fall onto her as she breathed, calming down. JJ wasn’t here. JJ wouldn’t be coming here. She had chosen to get on the plane to head back home to D.C., Emily made sure of that with her note. She had made sure to drive JJ away for her safety, as much as it hurt both of them. And it about nearly destroyed Emily. 

She bit her lip, deciding on another cigarette. The bottle of scotch she bought off the bar was all the way in the kitchen, meaning she would have to climb back through the window and turn on the light, risking the chance of her waking up the guest in her bed. So instead, she reached for the open package and shook a thin, white stick out, grabbing the lighter and lit the cigarette as her hands began to slowly stop shaking from the panic. 

For the next few moments, she tried to clear her mind, only moving to tap the ash off the cigarette into the disposable cup and to take a drag from it. The world was starting to quiet down around her, and she liked it. Maybe she might be able to sleep once she finished this last cigarette…

“Jennifer?” It came from a sweet, quiet British voice that startled her. It was more so the actual name she was forced to be going by because of the new identity that rattled her rather than the voice itself. 

Either way, she jumped, standing up from her position of leaning on the railing and turned around. She just now noticed how damp her sweater had become from leaning against the snow-covered metal, but she didn’t care. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Her voice was soft, gentle as if she was worried Emily would run away from her if she got too close or too loud. “I just wanted to see if you were alright. You’ve been out here for awhile.” 

Emily nodded, internally wondering how long she had actually been out here as she absentmindedly flicked the end of the cigarette to get the ash off. Obviously, it had been a long length of time if the total stranger she tried to hook up with felt that she needed to make sure everything was okay. “Yes, I’m fine. Just wanted to smoke. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

The woman shivered, the sheet she had pulled over the bed and wrapped herself it wasn’t much of a protection from the cold. She waved Emily off, her hand visibly stiff from the temperature. “You didn’t. I woke up and was going to leave, but I noticed the window was open and was waiting for you to come back in so I knew everything was okay, but you never came back in…” 

Emily stood out on the fire escape in complete amazement. A feeling of familiarity, the same one she picked up on earlier that drove her to take the blue-eyed beauty home, washed over her, not entirely sure why it did. She flicked the end of the cigarette into the cup again and then brought it to her mouth to inhale. And that’s when it hit her: She woke up the woman by carelessly leaving the window open and let all the cold air in, basically freezing the woman out. 

She quickly blew the smoke to the right of her in the direction the wind was blowing as to make sure it didn’t fly into the smaller brunette’s face without letting its toxins circulate through her body. She stubbed the end out on the snow-covered rail before dropping the butt into the cup and then rubbed her hands together, moving towards the woman. 

“Come on, let’s get you inside. You look freezing.” She crawled through the window first and then helped the other woman, whose name she realized she forgot. Emily led her to the bed and sat her on the edge, turning on the fireplace that was beneath the TV on the other side of the wall. Why her apartment had a gas burning fireplace she questioned, but she took it in silence and enjoyed the heat it provided. She herself wasn't that cold, for whatever strange reason, but she knew that her guest was. “I’m sorry, I’m horrible with names,” She lied. Emily actually just didn’t pay attention the first time. “What did you say yours was again?”

“Alexandra.” Her voice was sweet, kind. Emily liked it. Not as much as she liked JJ’s but she’d have to settle for something else at some point.  

“Well, Alexandra,” She headed to the kitchen and started filling up the electrical teapot. Thank God this place came semi-furnished already or she would be in terrible trouble. “Would you like some tea?” 

“Oh,” Alexandra cleared her throat. “That’s okay, thanks though.”

Emily rolled her eyes, getting two mugs out despite what Alexandra had said. “Nonsense, it’s the least I can do. I practically woke you up by bringing the blizzard inside. Plus, I’m not letting you walk home in this weather so might as well warm up.”

The younger woman sitting on her bed didn’t argue with her, just watched as Emily puttered around the kitchen until she found some random tea bags from the previous owner of this apartment. After a quick inspection of them, she picked what she thought were the two best of the batch and popped them into the mugs after the teapot dinged, signaling the water was ready. She poured the water, glancing behind her for a brief moment to make sure the other woman was there. “One scoop of sugar or two?” 

“One please,” The voice replied, sounding more distant than it was before.  

Emily followed her orders and put one scoop of the sugar she found while searching for the tea into one of the mugs and decided she would also have the same and proceeded to pour a scoop in the other as well, mixing the substances together. Once the sugar was fully mixed in, she grabbed the handles and turned around, seeing for the first time how dark it was in the apartment. There was just enough light coming off of the fireplace for her to make out the shapes around her, but not any details. 

She did see, however, a beautiful young woman sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. The sheets had fallen from around her shoulders to now being just nestled against her back, loosely lying around her. Brown hair slightly curled and framing a long face perfectly. Her face was highlighted by the fire just perfectly enough that she could have been anyone if Emily didn’t already know who was supposed to be sitting there. 

But even though she knew who it was, it didn’t stop her mind from seeing a different woman, one with striking blue eyes and a few freckles she tried to hide. Alexandra and JJ have the same body structure and the same way of speaking, it was no wonder Emily had set her eyes on her in the bar. She still somehow managed to get JJ in any way she could. And she felt slightly bad about it like she was using Alexandra to fill a void that was left. Maybe she was, but it definitely wasn’t intentional. 

The mugs in her hands began to grow heavy with how long she stood there watching the other woman. She found it a little odd that Alexandra didn't question how long she was taking, but by the look of how intensely she was staring into the fire, it looked as if she didn’t notice time at all. Emily proceeded to walk up to her, her feet making a soft patting sound against the floor until she carefully climbed atop of the bed next to the blonde, handing off the tea to her. 

Alexandra took it without looking away from the fire, bringing it to her lips and then cringed, making a startled sound. “Why do you Americans always keep the teabag in?” 

Emily chuckled, watching the way the brunette inspected the cup with its intruder and then mentally decide the polite thing would be to drink it without complaint and took another sip. “I don’t know, I guess we think it tastes better that way.”

“Stronger, yes.” Alexandra lifted a finger in the air as if to prove a point. “Better, debatable.” 

“Noted,” Emily said, staring into her own mug at the bag in the dark liquid. 

It grew quiet between the two women, both of them avoiding eye contact and sipping at not-completely-awful tea. It was a warmer age to combat the coldness that still clung to them, so neither of them put the mugs down, choosing to warm up with the smelly water rather than freeze. Emily only drank it because she didn’t know what to say and if she had liquid in her mouth, it was an excuse not to have to say anything.  

She didn’t feel like herself. Usually, Emily was confident and could hold her own, no matter where she found herself. But the past few weeks have been such a whirlwind of craziness, she was lucky she could tell her right from left. Her healing body was aching more than it normally did and it took her a good amount to realize that she was sore because of the activities she did with JJ a little over 24 hours ago. It seemed like a complete lifetime ago that her lips were kissing the younger woman’s and her hands were expertly mapping out JJ’s perfect body, but it was only the day before that they had sex and then Emily pushed her away.

Emily sighed at the realization and how odd it made her feel to know that the time gap she had been picturing was actually much smaller, and she winced from the deep release of air. Her hand automatically went to her scar, almost knocking her drink out of her hand with the sudden movement.

Alexandra noticed this change and knitted her eyebrows in worry and curiosity. “Are you alright?”

Emily nodded, breathing deeply through her nose as the pain. Passed. “Yeah.’ She cleared her throat before continuing on. “I had surgery a few weeks ago and I’m still a little sore.” 

“Oh my, God. Are you sure you’re alright? Do you need to lay down or something?” 

She looked up to see concerned brown eyes. They weren’t as crystal as JJ’s, but they were beautiful nonetheless. And they were here, visibly worried about her, even though they had just met. Alexandra was sweet, and would probably help Emily if she needed it, which she did because her aching scar reminded her she needed to change the dressing. She had forgotten when she last did, probably this morning when JJ was sleeping, but again, that also felt like it had been weeks ago.  

“Actually,” She sighed, her shoulders slumping forward as she tightly wrapped her hands around her mug. “I have to change the dressing and it’s easier if someone else does it… There isn’t any blood or stitches or anything, the skin is just still sensitive so it’s like a layer of protection.” 

“Yeah, of course,” The brunette said without hesitation. “Where is the stuff? I’ll get it.” 

“In the bag on the counter in the bathroom.” At least Emily had attempted to unpack a little when she first arrived at the apartment, trying to fool herself into thinking that if she just had a few personal items strewn about the place it would feel a little more like home. 

Alexandra wasted no time in following the directions. She took Emily’s mug out of her hands and ventured off to the kitchen to set the mostly empty cups on the counter before heading to the bathroom. When she arrived back at the bed with the small bag in her possession, Emily had already removed her sweatshirt and was lying with the gauze-covered spot of her body in the light of the fire. 

Alexandra sat down on the floor on her knees out of the way of the light. She was quiet as she zipped open the bag and pulled out the contents she needed. Unfortunately, Emily had forgotten to precut some strands of gauze the last time she did it so the brunette had the wonderful task of measuring the roll against the piece still fastened to Emily’s body before snipping it down to size. She didn’t complain about the task though, was just lost in concentration about trying not to touch the center of the gauze. 

“You’ve done this before.” Emily joked, trying to her best to stay still but also see what was going on.

The brunette smiled, her cheeks filling with red as she gently peeled off the old bandage. “My sister used to get into a lot of mischiefs when we were little and I was in charge of looking after her. Somehow, I always ended up being the one getting hurt.  I learned how to patch myself up pretty well on my own so we didn’t have to constantly go to the ER…” She trailed off, not giving up any more information and Emily knew enough not to push someone when she didn’t know how they would react. But Alexandra continued, now softly touching the red skin around the scar. “It does look a little irritated. Might be infected. You should get it looked as if the redness doesn’t go away soon.” 

Emily nodded, taking in her advice as she watched out of the corner of her eye how the brunette cut pieces of tape and then placed the new gauze to her skin after cleaning the area a little with an alcohol wipe. She put her sweatshirt back on as Alexandra gathered the reminisce of the activity and threw it away. Emily shivered, the coldness of the apartment settling on her before she had the chance to slip her sweatshirt back on. 

“Looked like a pretty interesting scar.” Alexandra crawled back onto the bed, wrapping the comforter around Emily’s shoulders and then her own, forcing them to sit so close together that they were touching. “What kind of surgery did you have?” 

Emily took hold of the comforter in one hand to keep it in place and wrapped the other arm around her torso, essentially trying to guard herself. She cleared her throat, quickly coming up with a plausible reason as to why the scar was in that position. “I was in a car accident.” 

“Must have been some car accident. did you get cut or something?” 

Again, Emily was forced to think on her feet. Too big of a lie and she would have a hard time keeping it straight, let alone keep her identity secret. “Yeah, I, uh… was impaled. There was a metal rod that went through my windshield and,” She made a stabbing motion to her stomach. “Right through me.” 

Alexandra looked at Emily with wide eyes, her sharp intake of breathing telling the brunette that she believed the lie and found it completely shocking. “Wow, that sounds… traumatic.” 

Emily shrugged. “I don’t really remember it. One second I’m driving down the road and the next I’m in a hospital with tubes sticking out of me.” This part, although technically a lie, was also the truth. She remembered being stabbed and Morgan standing above her, trying to stop the bleeding, and then she opened her eyes to a machine breathing for her and the sound of JJ quietly talking on the phone. The rest, the in between, was a blurry mess she figured she would be better off not remembering. 

“So you don’t remember a thing then. Nothing about what happened.” Alexandra didn’t pose it as a question, but rather as a statement, as if she already knew the answer. 

Emily decided to play along, knowing the lie would be easier to keep if the other player fully believed it. “Only what people have told me. Which isn’t much. Even after I got out of the hospital, they wouldn’t tell me exactly what happened, like they were trying to protect me or something.”

The smaller brunette nodded, taking in the information, glancing around the Barron room. “So how did you end up here?”

“I needed a fresh start.” Emily wished she had her tea back in her hands because then she would have something to fiddle with and pay attention to while she ignored the narrow eyes of the person next to her. She could feel Alexandra’s eyes bearing into her soul and it made her uneasy.

“What are you running from?” 

Emily somehow got the courage to meet her guest’s eyes, accepting the unspoken challenge. “Who said I was running from something?” 

Alexandra smirked, holding intense eye contact. “I know a runner when I see one.” Finally, Emily looked away, choosing to look straight into the fire instead of the striking brown orbs. “What’s her name?”

She licked her lips, taking a second before responding. She could deny the accusation again and end the conversation right now, but somehow she didn’t think Alexandra would leave the subject alone, not if she was stuck in this apartment with Emily until morning. Plus, what was the harm in telling a random stranger about how she broke a woman’s heart and in turn, broke her own? “Emily,” She whispered. It was only fitting that they switched names, considering she was already using JJ’s. 

“What was she like?” The brunette said it quietly, gently, but still with enough force to convince Emily to answer. 

She sighed. “Amazing. Biggest heart you’ve ever seen. Always on top of everything and just concerned about everyone around her, especially the people she cares about the most. Blonde hair, blue eyes, killer smile. She could have anything or anyone she wants with that smile.” 

It took a moment for Alexandra to realize, but once she did, she tried her best not to break out into a laugh. “I remind you of her. That’s why you came up to me at the bar.” 

Emily looked back at the blonde, eyebrow raised. “Or, maybe, I just have a type.” 

The brunette looked away and nodded with pursed lips, accepting defeat. “Well, if she’s so amazing, why isn’t  _ she _ here with you?”

Once again, Emily turned to the fire. She didn’t want to see Alexandra’s face when she admitted why JJ wasn’t here, even when she could have been. It was a truth she had been playing over and over in her head and staying it out loud were two very different things. Saying it out loud suddenly made it feel more real than it was. Keeping it inside gave her the chance to dream that it wasn’t real, that she didn’t make the mistake, that JJ was going to walk through the door any second. Saying it out loud allowed the pain to be turned up to 100, allowed it to be outside of her head where she had to face it. It made the dream disappear. 

“I did what I do best.” She finally said. “I pushed her away.” 

Alexandra nodded again and then smiled slightly at Emily. “Well,” She whispered, reaching up to push brown hair behind an ear. “Why don’t I show you what makes me different from her?” 


End file.
